Negative thinking - we all experience it.  But why can some people get past it quickly while others seem to hang on to it?
 
Much research has been done which seems to conclude that our negative thoughts and failures stick in our brains a lot longer than positive thoughts or successes. 
 
As example: if one group of individuals are told a business has a 30% failure rate they stick on the failure and fail to realize it must also have a 70% success rate. Another group is told a business has a 70% success rate and they immediately like the business and don’t focus on the reality that it also has a 30% failure rate.   But if that same group who once liked the business with the 70% success rate where then told that it must also have a 30% failure rate, they then shift to disliking the business.
 
As long as negative information isn’t interjected we can enjoy the positive. But the minute that negative thought comes in, there we go!
 
Our losses tend to stick.  Can people easily switch back and forth from negative thinking to positive thinking? Mostly No.  Studies have shown that only when we “work on it” can we make the shift.   Without work our thoughts go to the negative.  
 
How can that be corrected?  Basically we have to retrain our brain. When given a choice we have to learn to focus on the positive.  Yes, that means begin to look at that half filled glass as half full, not half empty. Recognize when we start to go to the negative mode and made a conscious shift.  Example, we complain about a friend who runs late when plans to meet are set up. We focus our thoughts on him/her being late, which cuts into the fun time. We say to ourselves they don’t care, which makes us feel angry and the negative thoughts keep spiraling.  But what if you could look past your friend who tends to run late and realize when they are with you they are fun, they’re a good listener, they do care, they call, they ask about you, etc.   You realize that this person is really a good person and you can look past them being late.  But you have to focus on looking at the good because for most people they initially settle on the negative.
 
Take a look at yourself.  Think over various situations in your daily life. How often do your thoughts immediately shift to the negative? I would guess more than you realize. And it’s those automatic negative thoughts that are turning others off and making your day a bit more difficult than it should be.
 
Some tips to stop your negative thinking

1. Recognize when those negative thoughts are happening and make a conscious effort to shift away from them. Tell yourself you need to stop the negative thinking.
2. Be grateful. Don’t just have hidden gratitude. Focus on it, say it, and write it down. Maybe you’re grateful for your friends, family, positive people in your life, you are employed, have housing, in a good relationship, have your health, or maybe grateful that you woke up to see another day.  Research shows that gratitude leads to better physical and emotional health. Really think about the good things.
3. Help someone else. Take the focus off of you and help others in need. It has been reported that people who complete five small acts of kindness daily toward others experience a significant boost in feeling more positive. Tell someone they look nice, or you love them, help them do something, praise them they did well, etc.
4. Look at and read positive quotes. They will absolutely change your mood for the better. “Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits, Watch your habits, they become your character. – author unknown”.
5. Don’t play the victim. We all have choices to either sit in the negativity or shift to move out of it. For some that shift is extremely difficult, for other it comes easy. But for those who have difficulty with it you have to “work at it”. You have to re-train your brain to look for the positive. Yes it may be work. Yes it’s easier for some just to sit in the negative but look what that’s doing to you and to those who are close to you. We all have a way out. It just needs to be the choice you take.
6. Let yourself move forward.  You made a mistake. You acted like a jerk. Accept it, learn from it and move on. Our brain will want to sit with it because that’s what it will immediately want to stay with.  But realize that’s what’s happening and make a conscious shift to learn from your mistake (I shouldn’t have been a jerk. I’m not going to treat that person that way again.) and move on.  Focus on being kinder to others the rest of the day.
7. Mindfulness and Meditation. Be aware of the here and now.  How many times do we drive some place and don’t remember the drive. Get off the autopilot and turn off the news that’s playing on the car radio.  Look at the trees, listen to the birds, notice the blue sky, the clouds, the mountains in the horizon, etc.   Also take time for some meditation. Find a comfortable spot at home, sit in silence, close your eyes and focus on your breath. Focusing on the present, avoids your mind racing forward to things that could happen.
8. Surround yourself with positive people and learn from them. They’re good for putting things into perspective. They’re good for modeling how you want and should be.  Let others go that are negative and bring you down.  If they have to remain in your life, limit your time with them.  Are you one of those negative people?  Do you find people avoiding you? Hmmm… take a look at yourself and make a choice to implement positive changes.

 
Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I hope you found it helpful.  Please make the choice to implement some of the tips I mentioned above. Only you can make a change! Happy positive thinking!
 
Ledgerwood, Allison, Getting Stuck in the Negatives – TedTalks - 2013

Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based  psychotherapy.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com,  email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.

Alexithymia is a clinical term for the inability to understand the intricacies of feelings and emotions. The existence and study of alexithymic experiences started in the 1970's. Some research suggests that alexithymia is more predominant in men than in women and is prevalent in approximately 10% of the general population. Alexithymia is also understood to have two components; a cognitive component where people might face challenges with thinking and emotions while trying to name, understand and talk about feelings, as well as an affective component where people might struggle with the experience of sharing, responding to and sensing emotions.
 
People who experience the effects of alexithymia might have these symptoms:
 
1. Difficulty identifying feelings
2. Difficulty distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations
3. A lack of impulse control
4. Violent or disruptive outbursts
5. Difficulty describing feelings to other people
6. Heightened sensitivity to sights, sounds, or physical touch
7.Limited imagination and, therefore, little or no fantasies and limited dreams
8. An unawareness of what is happening in their own mind and a very concrete way of thinking.
 
Alexithymia is known to be co-morbid with a number of psychiatric conditions. Therefore, when signs of Alexithymia are seen one might also look at depression, post traumatic stress disorder, brain injuries, substance abuse, and eating disorders, as it’s these diagnoses that one might harbor alexithymia.
 
But where does it come from?  How does one end up with this personality construct of marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment and interpersonal relating?  Some research has indicated that events happening in a person’s early childhood such as neglect or abuse but there are also cases of witnessing a horrifying event is known to trigger alexithymia.
 
If you, or someone you know, is displaying symptoms such as those described above please seek out the support of a licensed therapist.  Therapy will often concentrate on building a foundation of naming emotions and appreciating a range of feelings. The process will likely include both consideration of the experiences of other people and self-reflection. For people who have no problem with emotional comprehension this might sound very basic, however, for a person with alexithymia the process of growing their emotional intelligence and capacity may be difficult.
 
 

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Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, personal growth, ptsd and provides support to the military population and their families. She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com,  email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.
 
Weiss, Thomas C. , Alexithymia: Information, Symptoms & Treatment Options, August 2012, Disabled World/heath/neurology/alexithymia

• You want more affection.  Your mind is molded by the thoughts you choose to entertain.  Let your fantasies work for you rather than against. If you think often that your partner is dull and inconsiderate, your partner will be. On the other hand, if you frequently focus your mind on the good qualities, you will see more of them. Let the things your partner does that please you be the subject of your fantasies. When your partner begins to give you affection let him/her know how much you like it.  Give an admiring look, a hug, or even a smile.  Be positive, patient and sensitive to your partners feelings.
• Some compliments would be nice.  You spent the day at the salon and he didn't even notice. You feel disappointed.  It could be that it doesn't even occur to him that you want a compliment.  Men don't generally give unsolicited "Wow your hair looks great!" as much as women do. So what do you do?  The next time he compliments you make a point to look him in the eyes and tell him how much you appreciate his compliment. He most likely didn't realize how important the compliments are. 

• Help with the household chores.  Conversation is the key.  Be calm and discuss how you both are going to divide up the chores.  Make a list of everything that needs to get accomplished and you and your partner can each pick which of those each will do.  For the chores that both of you hate doing you can take turns.    If you assume your partner will do certain chores and they don't get done that can lead to resentment. Setting this plan will address this head on. 
• You want more loving in the bedroom. Most men want their partners to be happy and satisfied in the bedroom. However, men, like women, are sensitive to critiques. So the key to asking for what you want is your tone.  Don't make it clinical but make it fun. When asking what you'd like be very specific and do your asking in a playful tone. Whisper in his/her ear what you want and be very specific. ;)
• You wish your partner would plan more of the date nights.  Feeling angry, pouty, frustrated?  As I've mentioned before, communication is the key. Instead of keeping quiet about it and pouting let your partner know what you need.  Take turns planning outings. When the event, that your partner has planned is over be sure to thank and compliment. Positive reinforcement works wonders.  Not with just our children but others in our lives as well.
• You just need some acceptance. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. Example conversation: "I can only imagine how horrible my actions must sound to others.  I"m not proud of myself but what I really need now is just someone who can listen to me and accept me even though I'm not perfect."  Clarify you don't need a sermon just a good listener.  Sometimes all you need is to ask. 

I hope you find the above points helpful. Become aware of the way you think and behave and work on it being more productive.  

In closing, draw upon your own inner resources to offer love, attention and nurturance not only toward your partner but for yourself.