You had an amazing passionate relationship with your spouse.  Sex was beautiful, often,  and intense.  It was a safe place.  It was when you felt the most intimate and close that you can feel with anyone.  You both had thoughtful, deep and ultimately the best conversations.  You embraced the closeness you both felt in those moments after.… when you are coming down from the highest of highs. Those moments of  laying together are etched in your memory.   

I hope each military couple out there still has the same intensity as when they first met, were dating, or after their marriage.  Don’t we all wish that passion was still there? 

I’m guessing for most military couples who have endured multiple deployments that is not the case.  The spouse who has been waiting and taking care of the home and children has been  anticipating their veteran’s return.  The void of sex is almost painful.  But she/he knows when their partner finally arrives it will be filled with that passion and intimacy that they have longed for over the past several months.   Unfortunately, in most cases that is not the reality.  

I work with many veterans and military families and I hear a lot of the same story.  Sex is not the same.  They want the passion.  They want it all to be just as it was before and when it’s not the frustration begins, for both.  Each time they try and that fulfillment isn’t there both partners feel a sense of loss.  They both work so hard at getting it back. The incentive is there but the same feelings aren’t occurring. 

The returning veteran is feeling the effects of war - some of which are probably nightmares, startle responses, paranoia, fear, being on edge, depression and anger. Some veterans have physical effects such as burns, scars and loss of limbs. Each veteran has their own set of emotional and physical changes due to combat. Any one of those can have a profound affect of the sexual relationship.  

For the partner who’s been at home waiting for these passionate moments please try to understand what your veteran has been through and the symptoms of PTSD, TBI, and what just plain war creates.  For the veteran, please try not to be disappointed in yourself. Let me assure you, you are not the only veteran experiencing this.  You may not be sharing your sex life, or lack of it, with your buddies but I know the same frustrations are occurring in most. 

Let me offer some suggestions; 

• Let the expectations of homecoming be at a much slower pace than you might have anticipated.  There’s a lot of adjustment that needs to happen for both partners. 
• Emotions are going to be all over the place!  Happiness, glee, excitement, and relief may all be there but  there will also be exhaustion, anger, feeling overwhelmed, sadness from the loss of comrades and defining rolls again. 
• Takes things slow.  Small sexual advances at first. While your veteran has deep love for you don’t put too much pressure on being sexual. It may or may not happen naturally so give it time to play out.
• Don’t think that just because sex isn’t the same that he/she doesn’t have feelings for you.  I’m sure the love is still there but by putting too much pressure on it will only make the matter more difficult. 
• Don’t put blame on the veteran. Difficulties are probably not the result of him/her but it is rather the result of combat.  
• Be patient and try to understand the circumstances. 
• Be a good listener if your veteran wants to talk, however, I’m more inclined to think there will be very little talking.  Talking about what has occurred can be very difficult so most veterans tend to keep their issues to themselves. That may not be good if that continues so searching out some kind of support system is helpful. 
• For the veteran… please try to understand that your partner has missed you immensely while you’ve been serving our country.  He/She wants you to hold, hug and love.   Your presence has been missing and the need for your touch is incredibly strong.  If the sexual desire is missing maybe you can step in slowly with hugs and kisses.  Support is essential. You can get better. 
• Seek out a therapist who has experience working with the military population. She/he can help the veteran work through the PTSD, trauma and possible grief issues. 
• Work can also begin on helping the couple with their relationship issues and rekindling the fire that once was there. 

Combat takes a toll on all relationships.  I hope the above guidelines and suggestions are helpful.  Please try to understand you are not alone, either partner, in the struggle to rekindle your sexual relationship. 

It is not a sign of weakness to seek out help and support but rather a sign of strength in wanting to work on improving your relationship.   I commend you for all you have given and wish you peace. 



Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides home-based and online psychotherapy.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, stress reduction, depression, trauma and provides support to the military population and their families. She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com and email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com

Over the past few years I’ve become accustomed to utilizing phone apps to help my clients get through some tough times.  It’s not a replacement for me, their therapist, but they do help when my clients needs some "on the spot" aid.   

I thought I’d list a few that I use and ones that my clients have shared with me that they find helpful.  

If any of you have other apps that aid in calming, supporting, encouraging or do some crisis management until personal help is available I’d like to hear about them.  

Here are my top five that I’m able to access via my iphone. 

1. CBT-i Coach  (free) This app is sponsored by the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.   It focuses on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques for insomnia.   There are four sections which include: My Sleep, Tools, Learn and Reminders.   They include sleep logs (which is great for the therapist to see or for self evaluation).  A section is available that defines CBT-i, educates on the importance of sleep, reviews the stages of sleep and discusses the connection of PTSD and sleep. Having nightmares?  There’s a brief section on that topic.  There's also a great Reminders section with you can input your “sleep prescription”, take an assessment, stop caffeine, and worry time.   There’s a great section on “Quiet Your Mind” that includes topics of “schedule worry time”, “change your perspective”, “breathing tool”, “progressive relaxation”, “guided imagery”, “observe thoughts”, and “observe sensations”. While it’s put out by the VA it’s useful to anyone with sleep issues, anxiety and ptsd.  
2. Operation Reach Out (free) Sponsored by The Guidance Group. Encourages people to reach out when they are having suicidal thoughts.  After you click through the disclaimer there’s a Resource section which includes: “MilitaryFamily.com”, “Lifeline Gallery”, “Suicide Prevention Hotline”, “DoD/VA Suicide Outreach”, “Stop a Suicide Today”, “Centers for Disease Control”.  You’ll find a “help center” which helps create a customized contact list to help the person reach out to others. Again this app is great and can be used by all not just veterans. 
3. Healthy Lifestyles (free) This app is used more for people who are trying to monitor or stop drinking and/or smoking.  Great educational sections that monitor the persons use over 60 days and they can compare their drinking to others in the norm.  Has a decision making section which includes an area where the individual can list the benefits for changing their drinking and the cost of drinking.  Also includes some tips to help the person change their drinking habits. 
4. Virtual Hope Box (free) Sponsored by the National Center for Telehealth & Technology.  Great app for use with those living with TBI and PTSD.  It contains four main sections: “Distract Me”, “Inspire Me”, “Relax Me”, “Coping Tools”.  Then each section has sub-sections.  The Distractions include puzzles, word search, solitaire. Inspire Me contains positive affirmations. Relax Me contains exercises for controlled breathing, muscle relaxation, guided meditation beach, forest and country road.  Coping Tools teaches the person to create their own coping cards and has an activity planner where one can invite others to participate. I shared this app with a teacher I’m working with who used the controlled breathing section to help calm her unruly students. She said it works great!. 
5. Sleep Pillow (free)  I’ve used this one myself!   On those nights when someone can’t sleep this app provides wonderful relaxing sounds that can be set to a timer.  The free version includes nine relaxing sounds such as rain, rain/thunder, crackling fire, ocean, nature, whales, meditation, ticking clock, baby lullaby.  Therapists can also use these sounds as background if providing your own progressive relaxation with clients. 

Again none of the above mentioned apps are a replacement for in-person help but many of my clients have shared that they have been extremely helpful to them. 

Please list your favorite self help apps (and maybe some pros and cons) in the comment section below. It's great to learn what works, and doesn't, from others. 



*photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net