​​Self-esteem is a wonderful but delicate thing. When our self-esteem is high, we feel more resilient, we're less vulnerable to anxiety and rejection, and less cortisol — the stress hormone — is released into our bloodstream.  But improving self-esteem can be challenging, especially if we've experienced setbacks in the past.
 
There are different types of self-esteem. Scientists agree that our feelings of self-worth are global (how you feel about yourself) and specific (how you feel about yourself in specific roles, such as a parent or a cook). 
 
Our self-esteem is ever changing. It fluctuates day to day and hour to hour.  We might wake up feeling great about ourselves one day and insecure the next.  We think of our self-esteem as being either generally good or bad but it’s much more fluid, shifting up and down based on internal feedback we give ourselves and external feedback from others. 
 
So my goal is to work really hard for super high self-esteem… right?  Well, higher self-esteem is not necessarily better.  Your self-esteem should be high but not too high. Narcissists have high feelings of self-worth but their self-esteem is unstable.  Small “insults” can make a narcissist feel terribly “wounded”. That is why people with stable self-esteem tend to be healthier psychologically. Higher is not necessarily better. 
 
People with low self-esteem are resistant to positive feedback. Having low self-esteem makes us resistant to positive feedback that could improve our feelings of self-worth. When our self-esteem is low we feel unworthy of praise and get stressed by the hightened expectations. 
 
Positive affirmations make people with low self-esteem feel worse. The very people with low self-esteem, who need positive affirmations most, tend to feel worse about themselves when they read them.  When a statement falls too far outside our belief system we tend to reject it. 
 
Don’t critisize yourself. We are generally harder on ourselves when we shouldn’t be. When our self-esteem is low self-criticism can really make it worse. Treat yourself some compassion just like you would a friend. 
 
To improve your self-esteem find your competencies and develop them. Self-esteem is built by demonstrating real ability and achievement in areas of our lives that matter.  If you pride yourself on being a good cook, throw some dinner parties.  If you’re a good runner, run some races. Figure out your core competencies and find opportunities that accentuate them. 
 
Affirm your real wealth.   This exercise helps revive your self-esteem after a blow: Make a list of meaningful qualities.  Example, if rejected by a date, list qualities that make you a good prospect (being loyal): failed to get a promotion, list the qualities of a valuable employee (strong work ethic). Choose items on your list and write about why the quality is likely to be appreciated by others. 
 
Building up your self esteem can take some real work but if you stick with it, and do it correctly,  the results can be amazing. 
 
Business Insider 2017

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​What is your inner child telling you? Do you want everyone to cater to your needs? Do you find yourself disappointed a lot?  Do you have a lot of fear... anxiety? 

The idea of having an inner child may be foreign to most people. But all of us have a part of us that's still us as a child. It's possible that our inner child never fully grew up or may not be fully healed from pain in the past. 

Think about your current life and all the emotions and behaviors that you don't like and are continually trying to change.  These emotions and behaviors come from our experiences from when we were small children. 

From birth to about 6 or 7 years old, our brain functions at a relatively slow pace, which is a very "receptive" brainwave state. At this time we are profoundly affected by our life experiences. Our beliefs about ourselves and others are formed during this time based on our life's experiences. 

As small children we will have been absorbing a great deal from our extended families, our caregiver(s), friends, religious institutions, etc.

Our experiences may have been filled with love and support or they may have been filled with neglect and abuse. Our subconscious takes in all this information and holds on to it for the rest of our lives.

We cannot change the script. The life we experienced happened, whether good or bad, it happened.  And that script, how our brain processes our events, is designed to keep us safe. Hence, anxiety to keep us on the lookout for danger (as an example). 

All of our life experiences have been "logged" into our sub-conscious minds and bodies. This all creates the pool in which we float, or sink. Inevitably, the water will be a bit dirty - or it may even be like thick mud. In this pool is our self-esteem, body-image, family trauma, shame and secrets (even if not spoken about). We sink down into this pool, or mud, whenever we are overwhelmed by our negative thoughts, emotions, self-doubt or self-loathing.
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In therapy the aim is to sensitively lift out this dirt/mud, bit by bit, until we are left with just a stain of what was once there. 

In therapy you can learn how to meet, rescue and “adopt” this wounded child who still lives deep inside you. This process of meeting, rescuing and adopting your wounded child is an amazing process. Any why you? Because you are the only person who you can guarantee never to leave you!
 
Signs that your Inner Child may be wounded:
low self-esteem, poor body-image, mood and emotional imbalances, problems with boundaries being too rigid or too weak, problems with eating, harming yourself, being a rebel/ a hoarder/ a bully/ a perennial victim or a super-achiever, intimacy problems, commitment problems, a general lack of trust in yourself and others, criminal behavior, excessive lying, just to name a few. 

If you are in Orange County, California and interested in working on your Inner Child please feel free to reach out to me.  We can begin with a free 15-minute consultation and go from there.   Or you can reach out to any therapist in your area and ask if they do Inner Child work.    I wish you all the best!

We've just ended another holiday season. This is a time where, instead of joy, you may have been forced to be with family members you wished you didn't have to be with. You might have been present out of a feeling of obligation.

Instead of "how are you?", "I'm so glad to see you... tell me about your successes", did you find yourself subject to criticism, as usual? Is there one person who always finds fault in what you do? Is that person your parent? 

Toxic people prey on others. They dominate and control, disregard your needs and feelings. They focus on themselves and don’t seem interested in you at all. They seem to see other people as tools instead of whole, autonomous beings. They look to take energy from others because they lack their own vital energy. Toxic people drain you! They create drama and chaos but they don’t see that this is what they are doing. They are the person who walks into a room and others will leave or walk away to avoid them. 

Toxic people not only are taking energy, but they are also throwing their own pain and raw emotions onto everyone they interact with. This is because they lack the capacity to deal with the severity of a trauma that may have occurred in early childhood that caused them to have a worldview that people are out to harm them. Because of this view, that others are out to harm them, they have problems connecting with others.
 
Toxic people don’t appreciate you, so they don’t want you to appreciate yourself, either. They need you to ignore your own needs and desires so you can devote all your time to them. They use intimidation to keep you down, which means keeping you from living your truth.
 
But what if this toxic person is your parent? This is the person who is meant to love you, hold you, and take the sharp edges off the world, while teaching you with love, wisdom and warmth how to do it for yourself. There is a different kind of hurt that can only come from a toxic parent – someone who is meant to love you.  It’s a hurt that affects you to the core. 

Nobody is perfect, including our parents, but there is a point at which imperfect becomes destructive, taking away from children the love, warmth and nurturing they deserve and require and replacing it with something awful.

When children are raised on a diet of criticism, judgment, abuse and loathing, it’s only a matter of time before they take over from those parents, delivering with full force to themselves the toxic lashings that have been delivered to them. 

A toxic parent has a long list of weapons, but all come under the banner of neglect or emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Toxic parents lie, manipulate, ignore, judge, abuse, shame, humiliate and criticize. Nothing is ever good enough. You get on the Junior Varsity team but they don’t understand why you didn’t make Varsity. You get elected as your class Secretary but they don’t understand why did didn’t go for and get elected as class President.  You get an A in math but they complain you should have gotten an A+. They’ll demean you then complain you’re a crybaby when you show you are hurt. The toxic parent shows no warmth, caring or security which is paramount in developing attachment in children. 

Any negative behavior that causes emotional damage or contaminates the way a person sees himself or herself, is toxic. A toxic parent treats his or her children in such a way as to make those children doubt their importance, their worth, and that they are deserving of love, approval and validation. The truth is that you, like every other small person on the planet, deserved love, warmth, and to know how important you were. You’re not useless at life – you’ve bought in to the messages that were delivered by a parent too broken to realize what they were doing. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. 
 
The good news in this regard is that:

• You can change yourself without changing your parents.
• Your well-being doesn’t have to be dependent on your parents.
• You can overcome childhood traumas, even if your parents stay exactly the same.
• You don’t even have to forgive your parents in order to feel better about yourself.

 
In knowing all that, don’t wait for your parents to change, because it’s not likely going to happen. You have to become a fully autonomous person, completely responsible for your own life.

But you must be aware that you can’t change lifelong patterns overnight, no matter how self-defeating they may be. Emotional work on yourself can be pretty heavy, and thus it’s easy to start looking for excuses not to do it. In such cases, slowing down isn’t a problem. Just make sure you never stop.
 
How to heal from a toxic parent.
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1. It’s okay to free yourself from a toxic parent.
This is such a difficult decision, but it could be one of the most important. We humans are wired to connect, even with people who don’t deserve to be connected to us. Sometimes though, the only way to stop the disease spreading is to cut it off. It doesn’t matter how much you love some people, they are broken to the point that they will only keep damaging you from the inside out. You’re not responsible for them or for the state of your relationships with them, and you are under no obligation to keep yourself being abused, belittled, shamed or humiliated. Healing starts with expecting more for yourself, and you’re the only person who can make that decision. 

You must absolutely let go of the responsibility for the painful events of your childhood. You were in no way responsible for your parents’ toxic behavior.
 
You were in no way responsible for:

• The way your parents neglected or ignored you
• The way your parents made you feel unloved or unlovable
• Your parents’ cruel or thoughtless teasing
• The bad names your parents called you
• Your parents’ unhappiness and their problems
• Your parents’ choice not to do anything about their problems
• Your parents’ drinking and what they did when they were drinking
• Your parents hitting you or molesting you

 
The toxic behavior is completely your parents’ responsibility. Even if no harmful intent existed, it’s the final result that counts.

2.  It’s also okay to stay in a relationship with your toxic parent.
Don’t be harsh on yourself if you stay in the relationship. The act of returning to an abusive relationship can trigger self-loathing. ‘Why aren’t I strong enough?’ Know that loyalty is such an admirable trait, even if it gets in the way of your capacity to protect yourself. Own where you are and give yourself full permission to be there. Accept that for now, this is where you’re at, and fully experience what that’s like for you. You’ll never love yourself enough to change your expectations if you’re flogging yourself for not being strong enough. It takes tremendous strength to keep walking into a relationship that you know is going to hurt you. When you’re ready, you’ll make the move to do something differently. For now though, wherever you are is okay.

3.  Be honest about the relationship.
If you’re going to stay, know that it’s okay to put a boundary between yourself and your parent. You can act from love and kindness if you want to – but don’t stay in the relationship unless you can accept that the love you deserve will never come back to you. If it were going to, it would have reached you by now. See their behavior for what it is – evidence of their breaks, not evidence of yours. Put a bubble around yourself and let their abuse bounce off. Love yourself and respect yourself enough to fill the well that they bleed dry. They might not be capable of giving you the love and respect you deserve, but you are.

4.  Be careful of repeating the patterns.
You might find yourself drawn to people who have similarities to your toxic parent. There’s a really good reason for this. All of us are driven to find an ending to things that remain unresolved. Because love, warmth and nurturing are such an important part of child development, yet so elusive for the child of a toxic parent, it’s very normal for those children to be driven to find a resolution to never feeling loved, secure or good enough. They will look to receive what they didn’t get from their parents in others and will often be drawn to people who have similarities to their toxic parent. The theory is, with similar people, the patterns will be easier to replicate, and the hope of an ending closer to the desired one – parent love – will be easier to fulfill.  The pattern often does repeat, but because of the similarities to the parent, so does the unhappy ending.

The decisions aren’t conscious ones, so to move towards healing, the automatic thoughts and feelings driving the choices need to be brought more into awareness. If this is something that’s familiar for you, it’s possible that you are being drawn to the wrong people because they remind you of your toxic parent, and somewhere inside you where you wanted things to stay hidden, is the wish that you’ll get from them what you weren’t able to get from your parent. Look at the people in your life and explore the similarities they have with your own parents. What do they do that’s similar? What do you do that’s similar to the way you are in your relationship with your parents? Which needs are being met? What keeps you there? The more awareness you have, the more you can make deliberate decisions that aren’t driven by historical wants.

5. Acknowledge your right to be loved and respected.
One of the greatest acts of self-love is owning your right to love and respect from the people you allow close to you. You’re completely entitled to set the conditions for your relationships, as other people are to set the conditions for theirs. We all have to treat those we love with kindness, generosity and respect if we want the same back. If those conditions aren’t met, you’re allowed to close the door. You’re allowed to slam it closed behind them if you want to.

6. Be careful of your own toxic behavior.
You’ve been there, so you know the behaviors and you know what they do. We’re all human. We’re all going to get it wrong sometimes. Toxic behavior though, is habitual and it will damage the members of your own little tribe as surely as it damaged you. You don’t have to be a product of the cruel parenting that was shown to you, and this starts with the brave decision that the cycle stops at you. People who do this, who refuse to continue a toxic legacy, are courageous, heroic and they change the world. We’re here to build amazing humans, not to tear them down. How would your life have been different if your parent was the one who decided that enough was enough?

7. You’re allowed to make mistakes and you’re allowed to do it on your own.
You may have been lead to believe that you’re not enough – not smart enough, beautiful enough, funny enough, strong enough or capable enough. The truth is that you are enough. Open yourself up to the possibility of this and see what happens. You don’t need to depend on anyone and making mistakes doesn’t make you a loser. It never has. That’s something you’ve been lead to believe by a parent who never supported you or never gave you permission to make mistakes sometimes. Make mistakes now, it’s okay. Give yourself full permission to try and miss. There will be hits and there will be misses. You don’t even know what you’re capable of because you’ve never been encouraged to find out. You’re stronger than you think you are, braver, better and smarter than you think you are, and now is your time to prove it to yourself.

8. Document the beliefs that hold you back. (And get yourself a rubber band.)
Document the beliefs that hold you back – write them down. The ones that get in your way and stop you from doing what you want to do, saying what you want to say or being who you want to be. Were you brought up to believe your opinion doesn’t count? You were brought up to believe that parents are always right? You were most likely brought up to believe that you’re unlovable, unimportant, stupid, annoying, incapable and worthless.
Now beside each belief, write what that belief is costing you. Has it cost you relationships, happiness, freedom to be, to experiment,  or to explore? Then, rewrite the script. Thoughts drive feelings, behavior, what you expect for yourself and what you expect from relationships and the world. How are you going to change those beliefs? Just choose one or two to start with and every time you catch yourself thinking the old thoughts, actively replace it with a new, more self-nurturing thought – then act as though that new thought is true. You don’t have to believe it – just pretend it is. Your head will catch up when it’s ready.

If it’s difficult to break out of the old thought, try this: wear a rubber band (or a hair band) around your wrist. Every time you catch yourself thinking the old thought, give the band a little flick. This will start to train your mind to let go of the old thoughts that have no place in your life anymore. You just need a little flick, no need for pain, your old thoughts have been doing that long enough already. There is no right or wrong on this. All the answers, strength and courage you need to do what’s right for you is in you. You just need to give yourself the opportunity and the reason to hear it.

9. The dreaded “shoulds” -  get rid of them.
“Shoulds” are the messages we take in whole (introject) from childhood, school, relationships, and society. They guide behavior automatically and this can be a good thing (“I should be around people who respect me”) or a not so good thing (“I should always be nice”). Take a close look at your “shoulds” and see if they’ve been swallowed with a spoonful of poison. Our “shoulds” come from many years of cultivating and careful pruning, so that when that “should” is fully formed, it automatically directs you without any thought.
It’s likely that the “should” that’s keeping you stuck has come from the person who wanted to keep you that way. Were you brought up feeling indebted to your parents? Did they make you feel you owe them? Did they make you feel like you’ll never cope if you separate properly from them? Did they deliver you messages to keep you small, quiet, or hidden? Believing the messages may have worked when you were younger, but it doesn’t have to be that way now. Don’t pick up from where they left off. You’re older now, with different circumstances, and in a different environment. Bring your “shoulds” out in the open so your actions can be more deliberate. If your “shoulds” are working for you, love them up and keep them, otherwise let them go. 

10. Nobody is all good or all bad. Let that guilt go.
One of the things that make ending any relationship so difficult is that there will be traces of exactly what you want. Even toxic parents can sometimes be loving, warm or nurturing, though it’s mostly, if not always, done to further their own agenda. In the same way that being ‘a little bit bad’ probably isn’t enough to sever an important relationship, being ‘a little bit good’ isn’t enough reason to keep one. Step back and take a look at the big picture. If you feel miserable in the relationship more than you feel good, question your reasons for staying. If it’s because your toxic parent is old, frail, sad or lonely, that might be all the reason you need to stay, and that’s okay. If it is, own the decision in strength and put limits on contact or how much you will give to the relationship. You’re entitled to take or give as much to the relationship as you decide. Just whatever you do, do it deliberately, in strength and clarity, not because you’re being manipulated or disempowered. The shift in mindset seems small, but it’s so important. 

11. Work on building yourself up.
Toxic environments are toxic to the brain – we know that with absolute certainty. The human brain is incredibly adaptive, and in response to a toxic environment it will shut down so as to protect itself as much as it can from the toxicity. When this happens, as it does during prolonged periods of emotional stress, the rate at which the brain produces new neurons (neurogenesis) slows right down, ultimately making people vulnerable to anxiety, depression, cognitive impairment, memory loss, reduced immunity, loss of vitality, reduced resilience to stress, and illness (research has shown that migraine and other pain conditions are more prevalent in people who were brought up in abusive environments, though the exact reason for the relationship is unclear).

We also know, without a doubt, that the damage can be turned around. Diet (omega 3, green tea extract, blueberry extract, reduced intake processed sugar and unhealthy carbohydrates), exercise (anything that increases heart rate), and meditation (such as a regular mindfulness practice) will all help to rebuild the brain and heal the damage done by a toxic environment. Increasing neurogenesis will help to build resilience, cognitive function, vitality and protect against stress, anxiety and depression.
Healing from a toxic parent starts with deciding that the lifetime of messages that have left you hollow or scarred are wrong. It means opening a heart that’s probably been closed for way too long, and receiving the love, approval and validation that has always been yours to own. Sometimes, it means realizing that parents break too, sometimes irreparably, sometimes to the point of never being able to show love to the people in their life who deserve it the most. Sometimes it means making the brave decision, in strength and with the greatest self-love and self-respect, to let go of the relationship that’s been hurting you.

Breaking free of a toxic parent is hard, but hard has never meant impossible. With the deliberate decision to move forward, there are endless turns your story can take.  You are a whole and valuable person deserving of respect and love. Be open to the possibilities of what that respect and love can bring. 

If you need help with leaving a toxic relationship, whether it be a parent or any one else, please reach out to a Marriage & Family Therapist in your area. They can help guide you through the process and work with you helping you see what a truly amazing person you are.

I’ve always recognized that I tend to run on the perfectionistic side.

I’ve always liked things neat and orderly. When I have a project to do I strive to get it done as soon as possible because I don’t like projects hanging around.  Also, when working on anything, I want to do it right the first time because I don’t want to waste time having to do it again.

On the one hand, I appreciate my intention to do my best at whatever I do, but on the other hand, I see how this mentality can paralyze my efforts and prevent me from taking risks and reaching my goals.

I have since come to learn, in the past decade, that I will get more out of life, and strive farther if I am more relaxed and flexible regarding some of my actions. My perfectionistic attitude hasn’t completely left me but there is a part of me where I’m learning to expand my perspective, be okay with some failure, and on occasion work on tasks allowing more room for error. 

We all have the choice to change.
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We can choose to shift our perspective and tell a new story.  I’ve written, in the past, about how we all can change our stories. We don’t have to continue living with the struggles we place on ourselves. We all can write our new life story that includes imperfections and it’s benefits.

All of this reminds me of a woman I once worked with.

Forty-five year old Jane* is a CEO of a large company with many employees who report to her. In addition to her typical CEO responsibilities she also is part of the training program and does monthly workshops teaching those in middle management how to be successful in their jobs, which ultimately benefits the company.

On one hand Jane appreciates the opportunity to share her sharp business sense and to improve the job skills of those in middle management, but on the other hand she lives with hidden intense anxiety that is destroying her daily living.  At the end of the day she’s exhausted and by the time she gets home she takes out her anxiety and stress on those closest to her.

When I first met Jane I could see an unhappy woman, who enjoyed little, but she had an amazing job making great money. I asked her to tell me details of why she came to therapy. Then, we had the following exchange.

Me: Think for a minute, Jane. You're home alone on Sunday with anxiety gnawing at you. What goes through your mind the second before you begin to feel that way?

Jane: Tomorrow is work and a training day.

Me: Okay, but what do you tell yourself that is so horrible about that?

Jane: I might make a mistake. What if I tell middle management something wrong?  I’ll embarrass myself.

Me: Ah! So what if you did? Why would that be so horrible?

Jane: I don't want to make a mistake.

Me: I know and that's good. Wanting to do well keeps you motivated. But, what I'm hearing you say is that, not only do you not want to make a mistake, but that you must never make even one mistake.

Jane: I’m a CEO.  I’m supposed to know everything about my business. They expect that of me. I can't afford a mistake.

Me: But, Jane, how in the world can you pull that off? How can you go through your professional life, much less even a single day, and never make a mistake? Sounds impossible to me. Even CEO’s are imperfect, fallible people. Aren't they?

Jane: Of course, but I got where I am today because I was taught to do everything right. My father started the company, worked hard, grew it to where it is now and had high expectations of me. I have to be sure I put out quality work, to not accept anything but the best. God forbid I make a mistake! He’s gone now but I still can’t fail.

Me: Well, that's a shame, because that sets up the anxiety you suffer. Think about it. You've taken an admirable desire to do the very best you can with each of your managers. And then you've convinced yourself that you absolutely must, or need to be, God's gift to perfection. With that “must be perfect” expectation banging around in your head, you bring on this misery every time you’re in front of people. Do you see that?

Jane: Yes, I guess, I see it.

Me: What does this demand for perfection get you?

Jane: I suppose my anxiety.

Me: Yes, and little, if any, happiness and pleasure in your work.

Jane: Sad, but true. 

My synopsis: Jane had a strong desire to do well, which was appropriate, and it motivated her to give each manager her very best. But, she went beyond this desire to believing that she must—absolutely must—perform perfectly, never overlooking one piece of data or making even the slightest mistake. To her, it would be horrible to make an error and she feared being humiliated in front of her managers so much that her anxiety began to take over her life. Even past her father’s death she fears letting him down. She hated Sundays because that meant the following day was the pressure of being perfect at work.

Me: I’ll bet you hold these perfectionistic expectations in other areas of your life as well, not just at work. Right?

Jane: I’m sure I do.

Me: Well, like where?

Jane: I get nervous at family functions.

Me: What's your attitude about that?

Jane: What if I do something stupid? My extended family knows I’m a CEO of a company my father started and they have expectations that I carry myself a certain way.  I don’t feel like I can “let down” and relax.  I’m always on edge.

Me: In other words, Jane, you must do well at all times and look good, or else.

Jane: Yes, that’s right. 

Once we got to the core of Jane’s anxiety we began to focus our therapy goals on her perfectionism.  As Jane learned to relax and let go some of her perfectionism she began to realize that her managers were seeing her in a more real and authentic way. She did make a mistake in one of her presentations and she learned the world didn’t collapse. She saw that when her managers saw her mistake, it took the pressure off of them to be perfect and their own anxiety reduced. Jane’s happiness began to increase and her Sunday’s were much more enjoyable. Her family also saw her more authentic, relaxed and fun to be with.

Here are four benefits to being imperfect:

1. Less Stress - Ditching the “shoulds” and all-or-nothing thinking will allow you to find more peace and enjoy your daily accomplishments and successes while you learn from your mistakes and less than perfect outcomes.
 
2. Improved Relationships – When you can accept your limitations and imperfections, you give others the permission to be imperfect, as well. As your expectations and impossible standards for yourself lessen, so do those you held for the people in your life. Our outer world is a reflection of our inner world, so when we begin to value ourselves regardless of what we do or achieve in any area, we then begin to value others for who they are and not what they do.
 
3. Increased Energy – When all of your energy is no longer concentrated on worrying about what you SHOULD be doing and how you SHOULD be doing it, you free yourself up to focus on what really matters.
 
4. Healthier Self-Image – Accepting and appreciating our imperfections creates room for self-nurturing, compassion, and love. You can begin to appreciate the qualities, characteristics, and experiences that are unique to you without the need to be perfect.
 
Bottom line, if you are struggling with perfectionism accept that you are a fallible human being, one who, by your nature, cannot ever lead an absolute perfect existence. Strive to do well and work at creating positive experiences throughout your life. But what is most important is to be authentic and realistic. Make the effort to let go of your perfectionism and you will see the positive results. 


* While the main parts of this client exchange are true, main facts have been changed to protect the client's anonymity. 


I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides   in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals.
Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ [email protected]

Most of us don’t even scratch the surface of knowing who we really are, let alone figuring out what we have the potential to become. We are so confused that we keep oscillating between overconfidence and low self-esteem. One minute we are filled with a definite purpose for life and the next we move to the opposite end of the spectrum and are completely desolate.
 
Knowing ourselves better is a boon to our lives. We’re able to make smarter decisions about what’s best for us. We’re able to create more satisfying lives – lives that are based on our core values and personal priorities.
 
Often our identities contain a lot of “shoulds”. In other words, we strive to be what we think we should be. These “shoulds” may derive from society or our family and friends. I should like this. I should be that. I should behave in this way. I should say that. Who we are gets confused with and buried under the layers of who we think we should be. Strip away the “shoulds”, and think about who you really are. Simply ask, “Who am I?” You can start with statements like “I am a daughter” or “I am a writer” and progress to “I am happiest when I’m laughing with friends” or “I am learning to be kinder to myself.” 

If we begin asking ourselves the right questions, it may take us to the answers we need to gain clarity in our own self-discovery and lead us to a more fulfilling and happy life.
 
Here are 28 questions that open the door to help you in having a real conversation with yourself. Spend some times on these and answer them as honestly as possible. You may find some uncomfortable and some difficult. Don’t filter your answers by what you think others may think but rather be true to yourself.  This is how self-discovery begins.  Enjoy!

1. What activity in your life lights you up with joy?
2. What is something you always love doing, even when you are tired or rushed? Why?
3. If a relationship or job makes you unhappy, do you choose to stay or leave?
4. What do you fear about leaving a bad job or a bad relationship?
5. What do you believe is possible for you?
6. What have you done in your life that you are most proud of?
7. What is the thing that you are second most proud of?
8. What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?
9. How does your being here in the universe change humanity for the better?
10. If you could have one single wish granted, what would it be?
11. How comfortable are you with your own mortality?
12. What is your highest core value?
13. To your best knowledge, how do other people perceive you?
14. How would you like others to perceive you?
15. How confident are you in your abilities to make decisions for yourself?
16. What is your biggest self-limiting belief?
17. Who is the most important person in your life?
18. Who is your greatest role model?
19. Who is a person that you don’t like yet you spend time with?
20. What is something that is true for you no matter what?
21. What is your moral compass in making difficult decisions?
22. What is one failure that you have turned into your greatest lesson?
23. What role does gratitude play in your life?
24. How do you feel about your parents?
25. How is your relationship with money?
26. How do you feel about growing old someday?
27. Do you believe your destiny is pre-determined or in your hands to shape however you wish?
28. What do you believe is the meaning of your life?

I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides   in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals.
Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ [email protected]

​mind·ful·ness
ˈmīn(d)f(ə)lnəs/
noun
 
1. the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.
"their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition" 
 
2. a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Relationships are the cornerstone of a good life both emotionally and physically. Relationships (for this article) don’t only mean between two people that are connected by blood or marriage, but are also interactions between two or more people in any setting. We may have a relationship with members of our community, co-workers or people we worship with.  So when I refer to relationships it can be with anyone we encounter and how we talk, behave or deal with each other. 

It’s been highly reported that being in satisfying relationships lead to a happier life with fewer health problems as well as reduced depression and cognitive decline. So you can deduce that being involved in relationships that are unsatisfying or negative can lead to negative health effects and poor daily outcomes. 
So, now lets talk about relationships and mindfulness. 
To be sure you understand mindfulness – “mindfulness” means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment.
 
Research on mindfulness at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center and at the Harvard Medical School shows that the majority of people who attend an eight-week mindfulness-based stress reduction course reported lasting improvement in both physical and psychological symptoms from conditions such as heart disease, migraine headaches, some auto-immune diseases, obsessive thinking, anxiety, depression, and hostility. They also report an increased ability to relax, greater energy and enthusiasm for life, improved confidence and self-esteem, and more effective coping with both short-term and long-term stress.

Mindfulness involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. When we practice mindfulness, our thoughts focus on what we’re sensing in the present moment rather than bringing up the past or forecasting into the future.
 
Here’s a closer look at mindfulness in a relationship:
 
A typical conversation between a couple may involve one partner remarking, “You used to want to go out every weekend. You used to enjoy going hiking on a moments notice.” This may spark a defensive response in the other partner: “What? You’re saying I don’t want to go out and have fun anymore? You think I’m boring? Well look at you? The only thing you want to do is stare at your phone and play games on it! You seem happy just sitting on the couch!” This type of angry and accusatory response tends to have a snowball effect. “I never said you didn’t want to go out any more, and now you’re saying I just want to play on my phone? I’m constantly working to make you happy. You’re so ungrateful.”
Couples tend to play off each other in the heat of the dialog. In that intense angry state, their resentments toward each other start to flow. At this point, their higher functioning brains are offline and the emotional centers are flying out. Strong, exaggerated, hostile statements are erupting. Yet, if either could be more mindful in the interaction, they would take pause before responding. Before reacting, slow down. They could notice what is happening and that they are being triggered. In a mindfulness state they can choose to do something else. Before reacting, listen intently to what your partner is saying. Imagine your partner’s emotions. Listen to the words. Fight being triggered and just reacting. You might need to take a break. This may mean taking a few deep breaths or going for a walk so you don’t become engaged in the angry fight. 

The next time you find yourself in a more un-mindful moment (blaming, criticizing, judging) with someone, simply take a breath, observe your body and ask yourself the following questions:

• How can I accept what is being said, or what is happening at the moment, without judgment or struggle?
  
  


• How can I allow these feelings to exist without letting them drive my reactions?
  
  
• Am I buying into any false thoughts about the other person or myself?

 
Philip Moffet,  who founded the Life Balance Institute, stated the following about Mindfulness and Relationships; 

1. Begin your exploration of relationship with making an inventory of how “related” you feel to others in various situations in your daily life. Then cultivate a modest aspiration to deepen your feelings of relatedness. Avoid falling into cultural clichés around what different kinds of relationships are supposed to look like. Relatedness is an inner felt experience that you know in your heart and in your body. 
2. Become interested in the nature of your friendships. Be honest with yourself. Are they friendships of convenience, mutual advantage, or circumstance? If so, how does that feel? Can you identify three people whose friendships offer the potential for deeper feelings of relatedness? Each of these opportunities may be less than ideal, but still there is opportunity. You are cultivating the ability of your mind and heart to be available for relationship and through mindfulness developing the skills to do so.
3. Turn your attention to your significant other. If it’s a long-term relationship, notice if you have ceased to seek intimacy. If so, why? Is it because of their imperfections? Your feelings of rejection? Boredom? Is the relationship failing to meet some expectation? This very same relationship offers an opportunity for deeper relatedness, if you are willing to accept the person as they are and not demand that they be otherwise. Commit to do doing metta [loving-kindness] practice for your significant other every morning for six months and observe what change occurs when you cultivate love without demand.
 
4. In most families there is a range of closeness among members. Do you feel more related to some members of your family than others? Start being mindful of how lack of closeness causes you to be defensive around a certain family member, or to shut someone out, or to ignore their full range of human dimensions. Begin a compassion practice for one such member of your family and start to explore how you can be more fully accepting of this person just as they are. And then notice how it feels within you when you do have a moment of such acceptance.
 
5. In one sense your co-workers are your work “family.” In fact the culture at your workplace will reflect the family dynamics of your boss. So you can do reflection #4 for your co-workers, just as you did for your family members. 
6. Throughout your day you can notice and appreciate other people and be sympathetic toward their situations. Smile at them. Be kind to them. All of these actions represent numerous moments of relatedness. Develop a practice of mindful appreciation and kindness toward others. Observe how it starts to enrich your life within just a few months.



I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides   in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals.
Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ [email protected]

One of the most common struggles that people come in to see me for is learning the art of letting go of the past. Many are stuck thinking about the wrongs that have been done to them and they are angry, frustrated, hurt, and sad.  The unfortunate part about hanging on to those feelings is they continue to hurt and harm those that we love.  That could mean hurting others that weren’t involved in the past misfortunes.  
 
So let’s take a look at those past feelings. Those feelings aren’t really the past, they are the present. You are presently feeling angry, frustrated, hurt and/or sad. And it’s those feelings that are keeping the past alive.
 
What I first like to do with clients is to fester out all that the person is feeling, such as, anger, frustration, hurt, sadness – or any other feelings that they are experiencing.
 
Example –
Client: “I am angry that my parents worked all day and I was left alone to fend for myself”. Therapist: “You are angry that you were left alone?”   Client: “Yes!”  Therapist: “Tell me more about that anger.” Client: “They should have been there for me!”  Therapist: “Tell me what it was like to be alone.” Client: “I had no one to talk to, I was bored, at times I got scared.” Therapist: “So you were scared to?” Client: “Of course I was scared, I was just a kid!”  Therapist: “Let’s talk about you feeling scared.”  Client: “I was scared because what if someone tried to come into my home when I was alone?”  What if I got injured and no one was there?”  “Why didn’t they care enough about me to be home with me?”  Therapist: “What I heard you say in the beginning was you were angry because you were left alone but I’m also hearing you were frightened and you felt your parents didn’t care about you.” Client: “Yes, I guess, I feel they must have not cared about me so they left me alone at home.”
 
So we move from just being angry to actually carrying around a feeling that the client’s parents’ “didn’t care”.  The above is just a short snippet of working through feelings and there’s more involved. It’s a process of several sessions to fester everything out. It’s like peeling an onion and working through all the layers by identifying all the feelings that were experiences. As we identify all that had happened, it’s validated.
 
I hope this gives you an idea of how to pull out all the feelings.  I don’t want anything ignored or left out.  I want to hear about the experiences that are causing so much pain. But what do we do about them now?  
 
Experiences of the past need to be validated and never brushed off. Events happened and the feelings of the past are real. I spend time with clients letting them “feel” all that they have identified.  That could mean they sit in sadness, anger or grief – but just for a limited time. We then move on.
 
Now we get to the part where we let it all go!  Memories are just thoughts and thoughts have no power – unless the person chooses to give it power.  Some thoughts stick with us, we react to them, and we keep thinking about them.  Ugh! To keep thinking about them serves no purpose.
 
Some things you shouldn’t do:
•   Make yourself forget about the past (you can not forget it)
•   Stuff or ignore your feelings
•   Wait for an apology or acknowledgment (if you never get an apology you will always sit in pain)
•   Wait for time to heal all wounds
•   Change the past (you can’t change what happened but you absolutely can change your reaction to what happened)
 
As a Cognitive Behavior Therapist I talk to my clients about how our feelings control our behavior. If you stay with anger, hurt and sadness, then they will become your reality. As an alternative, be open to moving forward. Prepare yourself to feel differently. Contemplate not defining yourself by thoughts about the past. Keep in mind, what you focus on, will become your present.
 
Many have been telling themselves their unfortunate life circumstances so many times that they aren’t allowing positive thoughts to come in. These negative thoughts keep you distracted from moving forward.  
 
Some stuck thoughts that people hold on to:
•   “I want to stay stuck because I was wronged.”
•   “It is someone else’s responsibility to make this better for me.”
•   “If I let go, I’m somehow approving another person’s bad behavior.”
•   “I need an apology.”
•   “Life is unfair.”
 
Holding on to those thoughts, the constant reminder, will only keep your unfortunate experiences in the present. How you feel is your responsibility, no one else’s. Once you realize all the power that you have, you can begin the process of letting go.
 
Holding on to the past is like wearing a pair of shoes that are a bit too small for you.  You can get your feet into them but they hurt like heck.  It’s time to take them off and begin to enjoy comfort again.
 
Remember, you are in control of how you feel. Begin by thinking more positively. But it might not be so easy at first. You have to reinforce those positive thoughts and behaviors so they will stick. As with any sort of training, the more you practice, the better you get—and, yes, you can practice being positive.
 
Live for today. Live for and look for the positive in others.  Embrace the positive aspects of your parents, spouse, children and friends.
 
When you start feeling like the idea of being a positive person is daunting, remind yourself that all it takes is one small step in the right direction to move yourself toward a more positive attitude.
 
Believe in yourself and remember the most important lesson of all: A positive outlook is a choice that you can always make.




I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides   in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals.
Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ [email protected]

​The therapy process is a time and place for you to open up about your thoughts and feelings.  Especially the one’s you find the most difficult to talk about. It’s those stories from our past, the ones often forgotten, mostly by choice, that are having a profound impact on your life now.  But I know that sharing those stories from your past isn’t easy.  You’ve tucked them away for a reason.
 
When in therapy with me, I share that our past events, in part, shape who we are and it's important that we take a look at it. Many don't want to go there. But in order for us to understand what is happening now it’s important that the stories of your life experiences come to light.  It’s very scary, I know. But the process doesn’t have to be scary or intensely direct.   I often tell my clients, when they are having difficulty verbalizing their emotions or thoughts, to journal write.  It’s a very freeing, liberating and sometimes a scary experience that you can do where you are most comfortable – in your home, at the park, or wherever you choose.
 
Journal writing helps you move toward self-discovery. It will help you make sense of the chaos that may be surrounding you.  It’s helps resolve traumas that you may have experienced which is holding you back from your potential. And it’s a safe way of looking at the past, which can inspire you to move forward.
 
In journal writing you don’t need to be a seasoned writer. Just grab a pen, notepad, journal book, or your computer and be ready with an open mind.
 
Journal writing is a wonderful outlet for letting go of your bottled up emotions. If you are feeling sad, happy, excited or angry, write it down. Release what ever you are thinking and don’t worry about grammar. Sometimes you may find yourself just writing single words; sometimes it’s a sentence. You might be someone who draws pictures. Just let you mind focus on what you are feeling, don’t hold back, write it down.  I assure you the feeling is liberating and powerful.  If you find it’s bringing about upsetting feelings please bring that to your therapist. She/he can help you process the unsettling thoughts and bring you toward a place of acceptance.
 
One of the benefits of journal writing, since it captures all of your unfiltered reflections, is you will begin to understand who you are.  It will also help you see a solution and help you find healing. Journal writing will help you see who you are and changes you might want to make.
 
My suggestions for Journal Writing;

• Find a comfortable, clean, neat place free from distractions.  No tv!
• Remind yourself you’re going to not restrict your thoughts but instead relax and write freely whatever enters your mind.
• Maybe begin with what you did today and how you felt doing it.
• Who did you encounter today or whom did you encounter yesterday and how do you feel about them.
• Focus on the sky, clouds, sun, lack of sun, wind and/or stillness. Think back to years back, let your mind wander, and see if the weather reminds you of a time in the past.
• Let your emotional walls down and allow yourself to feel. If you begin to cry, it’s okay, let the tears flow.  You’ll feel better when you are done.
• If your writing brings about insight, focus on it. Take it in, maybe use a highlighter and highlight it.
• When writing, focus on what’s happening “inward”.  Focus on your internal experiences, reactions, and perceptions. When you write in a diary one tends to focus more “outward”.
• If you write while sitting in the park focus on how you are feeling being alone.  If you hear children playing, does that make you happy or bring back memories of an unsettling time. If so, write down as much as you can about your memories of that unsettling time.
• Don’t be critical of your writing, there are no rules, no one is judging, just write.
• Keep your writing journal in a private place.  This is just for you.  Although you might want to share portions of it with your therapist. 
• Speaking of sharing it with your therapist.  I have many clients who bring their journal writings into their session each week. They share areas that are enlightening or cause them concern. Together we decipher the meaning of the writings and work through it, moving toward resolution.

 
Journal writing has been used effectively for grief and loss; coping with life-threatening or chronic illness; recovery from addictions, eating disorders and trauma; repairing troubled marriages and family relationships; increasing communication skills; developing healthier self-esteem; getting a better perspective on life; and clarifying life goals.




I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides   in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals.
Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ [email protected] ​​​