​I feel blessed and grateful with the many clients I work with. I cherish the moment when they begin to feel a sense of safety and trust and their most personal life begins to emerge.  But for most, it doesn’t begin at the first meeting or two. As they sit across from me I hear the basics of their family, their childhood, and their friends. I then hear about their co-workers, peers and neighbors.  I see the dance happen as they talk about everything except what they really want and need to share. I can feel their pain much before they realize it.
 
Many of my clients share they feel comfortable with me quickly but the more difficult part is getting the guts to bring it all up - the real story. Most fear if they dredge it all up it’ll never end. They fear they will cry and never be able to stop. They fear the ugly past will rear its head more vicious then before when all they want to do is forget about it. There are so many fears when one considers the choice to open up the past.  I understand that and I give my clients as much space as they need – to a point.
 
At the beginning of therapy with me I hone in on goals. What is it that you, the client, want to accomplish? Some say, “I’m tired of feeling sad all the time”, “I want my out-of-control anger to end”, “I just don’t feel right and not sure why”.  The reasons vary why people come to see me. But they walk in my door because they know they need to make a change.  They know they have a story to tell.  As I tell many of my clients, we all have a story.  Every single person we encounter has a story.  Please tell me yours.
 
The stories that many of us live with are often deeply ingrained in our unconscious.  We carry that unconscious past around daily, which creates anxiety, depression, resentment, prejudice, anger, hurt and much more. Our stories dictate how we view ourselves, how we view others, and how we perceive life in general. Even though life may seemingly be going well now, our life stories can weigh us down, keep us angry or sad, and prevent us from feeling joy, happiness, or even content.
 
It isn’t until we open up the past, talk about it, purge it, dig in deep and explore it that we begin to feel some freedom.  Living with our past stuck in our unconscious can be life draining.  Remaining in that place affects our daily decisions, how we judge others, why we hold on to resentment or jealousy.
 
In therapy, as you sit across from me, we can discuss your life story, the ugly past. I want you to share it all with me. It’s when we bring the unconscious to the conscious the freedom and change begins. Trust me when I say, you won’t cry forever and you won’t be stuck there by dredging it all up again.  Rather, it’s the dredging it all up again that can be freeing.
 
By default our brain likes to go to the negativity. So together we work on re-writing your story to shift that focus. What statements are you telling yourself? “My parents always told me I was a loser, therefore that must be true and I will never amount to much so why try?” “My uncle abused me so I will never be happy and will always feel depressed.” “I was blindsided at that business meeting, others judged me just as I’ve always been judged in the past.” “My spouse left me for another person therefore I should never trust anyone again.” Statements such as these all relate to your past and present.  Using small steady steps we can begin the process of change.
 
It might be time for you to make a change, make a move, confront the past and search ever so deep for some good that may have come out of it. Change is difficult. And re-writing or retelling your story toward better mental health is more complex than looking for the bright side of our past situations. That’s why we work on this together and recast “I’ll never forgive” or “I’m stuck with who I am,” into a new mold.
 
It’s probably difficult for you to imagine finding anything positive out of your past but it’s there.  Look at your options. You can stay with what you have, and you know how that makes you feel, or you can be open to looking at your life from a different lens. Maybe you can find many benefits from your experiences or maybe only a couple. But what’s important is that you grab any benefit there is from your life experiences and focus on it. When you look at life from a different perspective you will be surprised how much better and empowered you can feel.  So, are you ready to tell your story?



Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com,  email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.

Negative thinking - we all experience it.  But why can some people get past it quickly while others seem to hang on to it?
 
Much research has been done which seems to conclude that our negative thoughts and failures stick in our brains a lot longer than positive thoughts or successes. 
 
As example: if one group of individuals are told a business has a 30% failure rate they stick on the failure and fail to realize it must also have a 70% success rate. Another group is told a business has a 70% success rate and they immediately like the business and don’t focus on the reality that it also has a 30% failure rate.   But if that same group who once liked the business with the 70% success rate where then told that it must also have a 30% failure rate, they then shift to disliking the business.
 
As long as negative information isn’t interjected we can enjoy the positive. But the minute that negative thought comes in, there we go!
 
Our losses tend to stick.  Can people easily switch back and forth from negative thinking to positive thinking? Mostly No.  Studies have shown that only when we “work on it” can we make the shift.   Without work our thoughts go to the negative.  
 
How can that be corrected?  Basically we have to retrain our brain. When given a choice we have to learn to focus on the positive.  Yes, that means begin to look at that half filled glass as half full, not half empty. Recognize when we start to go to the negative mode and made a conscious shift.  Example, we complain about a friend who runs late when plans to meet are set up. We focus our thoughts on him/her being late, which cuts into the fun time. We say to ourselves they don’t care, which makes us feel angry and the negative thoughts keep spiraling.  But what if you could look past your friend who tends to run late and realize when they are with you they are fun, they’re a good listener, they do care, they call, they ask about you, etc.   You realize that this person is really a good person and you can look past them being late.  But you have to focus on looking at the good because for most people they initially settle on the negative.
 
Take a look at yourself.  Think over various situations in your daily life. How often do your thoughts immediately shift to the negative? I would guess more than you realize. And it’s those automatic negative thoughts that are turning others off and making your day a bit more difficult than it should be.
 
Some tips to stop your negative thinking

1. Recognize when those negative thoughts are happening and make a conscious effort to shift away from them. Tell yourself you need to stop the negative thinking.
2. Be grateful. Don’t just have hidden gratitude. Focus on it, say it, and write it down. Maybe you’re grateful for your friends, family, positive people in your life, you are employed, have housing, in a good relationship, have your health, or maybe grateful that you woke up to see another day.  Research shows that gratitude leads to better physical and emotional health. Really think about the good things.
3. Help someone else. Take the focus off of you and help others in need. It has been reported that people who complete five small acts of kindness daily toward others experience a significant boost in feeling more positive. Tell someone they look nice, or you love them, help them do something, praise them they did well, etc.
4. Look at and read positive quotes. They will absolutely change your mood for the better. “Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits, Watch your habits, they become your character. – author unknown”.
5. Don’t play the victim. We all have choices to either sit in the negativity or shift to move out of it. For some that shift is extremely difficult, for other it comes easy. But for those who have difficulty with it you have to “work at it”. You have to re-train your brain to look for the positive. Yes it may be work. Yes it’s easier for some just to sit in the negative but look what that’s doing to you and to those who are close to you. We all have a way out. It just needs to be the choice you take.
6. Let yourself move forward.  You made a mistake. You acted like a jerk. Accept it, learn from it and move on. Our brain will want to sit with it because that’s what it will immediately want to stay with.  But realize that’s what’s happening and make a conscious shift to learn from your mistake (I shouldn’t have been a jerk. I’m not going to treat that person that way again.) and move on.  Focus on being kinder to others the rest of the day.
7. Mindfulness and Meditation. Be aware of the here and now.  How many times do we drive some place and don’t remember the drive. Get off the autopilot and turn off the news that’s playing on the car radio.  Look at the trees, listen to the birds, notice the blue sky, the clouds, the mountains in the horizon, etc.   Also take time for some meditation. Find a comfortable spot at home, sit in silence, close your eyes and focus on your breath. Focusing on the present, avoids your mind racing forward to things that could happen.
8. Surround yourself with positive people and learn from them. They’re good for putting things into perspective. They’re good for modeling how you want and should be.  Let others go that are negative and bring you down.  If they have to remain in your life, limit your time with them.  Are you one of those negative people?  Do you find people avoiding you? Hmmm… take a look at yourself and make a choice to implement positive changes.

 
Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I hope you found it helpful.  Please make the choice to implement some of the tips I mentioned above. Only you can make a change! Happy positive thinking!
 
Ledgerwood, Allison, Getting Stuck in the Negatives – TedTalks - 2013

Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based  psychotherapy.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com,  email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.