We've just ended another holiday season. This is a time where, instead of joy, you may have been forced to be with family members you wished you didn't have to be with. You might have been present out of a feeling of obligation.

Instead of "how are you?", "I'm so glad to see you... tell me about your successes", did you find yourself subject to criticism, as usual? Is there one person who always finds fault in what you do? Is that person your parent? 

Toxic people prey on others. They dominate and control, disregard your needs and feelings. They focus on themselves and don’t seem interested in you at all. They seem to see other people as tools instead of whole, autonomous beings. They look to take energy from others because they lack their own vital energy. Toxic people drain you! They create drama and chaos but they don’t see that this is what they are doing. They are the person who walks into a room and others will leave or walk away to avoid them. 

Toxic people not only are taking energy, but they are also throwing their own pain and raw emotions onto everyone they interact with. This is because they lack the capacity to deal with the severity of a trauma that may have occurred in early childhood that caused them to have a worldview that people are out to harm them. Because of this view, that others are out to harm them, they have problems connecting with others.
 
Toxic people don’t appreciate you, so they don’t want you to appreciate yourself, either. They need you to ignore your own needs and desires so you can devote all your time to them. They use intimidation to keep you down, which means keeping you from living your truth.
 
But what if this toxic person is your parent? This is the person who is meant to love you, hold you, and take the sharp edges off the world, while teaching you with love, wisdom and warmth how to do it for yourself. There is a different kind of hurt that can only come from a toxic parent – someone who is meant to love you.  It’s a hurt that affects you to the core. 

Nobody is perfect, including our parents, but there is a point at which imperfect becomes destructive, taking away from children the love, warmth and nurturing they deserve and require and replacing it with something awful.

When children are raised on a diet of criticism, judgment, abuse and loathing, it’s only a matter of time before they take over from those parents, delivering with full force to themselves the toxic lashings that have been delivered to them. 

A toxic parent has a long list of weapons, but all come under the banner of neglect or emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Toxic parents lie, manipulate, ignore, judge, abuse, shame, humiliate and criticize. Nothing is ever good enough. You get on the Junior Varsity team but they don’t understand why you didn’t make Varsity. You get elected as your class Secretary but they don’t understand why did didn’t go for and get elected as class President.  You get an A in math but they complain you should have gotten an A+. They’ll demean you then complain you’re a crybaby when you show you are hurt. The toxic parent shows no warmth, caring or security which is paramount in developing attachment in children. 

Any negative behavior that causes emotional damage or contaminates the way a person sees himself or herself, is toxic. A toxic parent treats his or her children in such a way as to make those children doubt their importance, their worth, and that they are deserving of love, approval and validation. The truth is that you, like every other small person on the planet, deserved love, warmth, and to know how important you were. You’re not useless at life – you’ve bought in to the messages that were delivered by a parent too broken to realize what they were doing. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. 
 
The good news in this regard is that:

• You can change yourself without changing your parents.
• Your well-being doesn’t have to be dependent on your parents.
• You can overcome childhood traumas, even if your parents stay exactly the same.
• You don’t even have to forgive your parents in order to feel better about yourself.

 
In knowing all that, don’t wait for your parents to change, because it’s not likely going to happen. You have to become a fully autonomous person, completely responsible for your own life.

But you must be aware that you can’t change lifelong patterns overnight, no matter how self-defeating they may be. Emotional work on yourself can be pretty heavy, and thus it’s easy to start looking for excuses not to do it. In such cases, slowing down isn’t a problem. Just make sure you never stop.
 
How to heal from a toxic parent.
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1. It’s okay to free yourself from a toxic parent.
This is such a difficult decision, but it could be one of the most important. We humans are wired to connect, even with people who don’t deserve to be connected to us. Sometimes though, the only way to stop the disease spreading is to cut it off. It doesn’t matter how much you love some people, they are broken to the point that they will only keep damaging you from the inside out. You’re not responsible for them or for the state of your relationships with them, and you are under no obligation to keep yourself being abused, belittled, shamed or humiliated. Healing starts with expecting more for yourself, and you’re the only person who can make that decision. 

You must absolutely let go of the responsibility for the painful events of your childhood. You were in no way responsible for your parents’ toxic behavior.
 
You were in no way responsible for:

• The way your parents neglected or ignored you
• The way your parents made you feel unloved or unlovable
• Your parents’ cruel or thoughtless teasing
• The bad names your parents called you
• Your parents’ unhappiness and their problems
• Your parents’ choice not to do anything about their problems
• Your parents’ drinking and what they did when they were drinking
• Your parents hitting you or molesting you

 
The toxic behavior is completely your parents’ responsibility. Even if no harmful intent existed, it’s the final result that counts.

2.  It’s also okay to stay in a relationship with your toxic parent.
Don’t be harsh on yourself if you stay in the relationship. The act of returning to an abusive relationship can trigger self-loathing. ‘Why aren’t I strong enough?’ Know that loyalty is such an admirable trait, even if it gets in the way of your capacity to protect yourself. Own where you are and give yourself full permission to be there. Accept that for now, this is where you’re at, and fully experience what that’s like for you. You’ll never love yourself enough to change your expectations if you’re flogging yourself for not being strong enough. It takes tremendous strength to keep walking into a relationship that you know is going to hurt you. When you’re ready, you’ll make the move to do something differently. For now though, wherever you are is okay.

3.  Be honest about the relationship.
If you’re going to stay, know that it’s okay to put a boundary between yourself and your parent. You can act from love and kindness if you want to – but don’t stay in the relationship unless you can accept that the love you deserve will never come back to you. If it were going to, it would have reached you by now. See their behavior for what it is – evidence of their breaks, not evidence of yours. Put a bubble around yourself and let their abuse bounce off. Love yourself and respect yourself enough to fill the well that they bleed dry. They might not be capable of giving you the love and respect you deserve, but you are.

4.  Be careful of repeating the patterns.
You might find yourself drawn to people who have similarities to your toxic parent. There’s a really good reason for this. All of us are driven to find an ending to things that remain unresolved. Because love, warmth and nurturing are such an important part of child development, yet so elusive for the child of a toxic parent, it’s very normal for those children to be driven to find a resolution to never feeling loved, secure or good enough. They will look to receive what they didn’t get from their parents in others and will often be drawn to people who have similarities to their toxic parent. The theory is, with similar people, the patterns will be easier to replicate, and the hope of an ending closer to the desired one – parent love – will be easier to fulfill.  The pattern often does repeat, but because of the similarities to the parent, so does the unhappy ending.

The decisions aren’t conscious ones, so to move towards healing, the automatic thoughts and feelings driving the choices need to be brought more into awareness. If this is something that’s familiar for you, it’s possible that you are being drawn to the wrong people because they remind you of your toxic parent, and somewhere inside you where you wanted things to stay hidden, is the wish that you’ll get from them what you weren’t able to get from your parent. Look at the people in your life and explore the similarities they have with your own parents. What do they do that’s similar? What do you do that’s similar to the way you are in your relationship with your parents? Which needs are being met? What keeps you there? The more awareness you have, the more you can make deliberate decisions that aren’t driven by historical wants.

5. Acknowledge your right to be loved and respected.
One of the greatest acts of self-love is owning your right to love and respect from the people you allow close to you. You’re completely entitled to set the conditions for your relationships, as other people are to set the conditions for theirs. We all have to treat those we love with kindness, generosity and respect if we want the same back. If those conditions aren’t met, you’re allowed to close the door. You’re allowed to slam it closed behind them if you want to.

6. Be careful of your own toxic behavior.
You’ve been there, so you know the behaviors and you know what they do. We’re all human. We’re all going to get it wrong sometimes. Toxic behavior though, is habitual and it will damage the members of your own little tribe as surely as it damaged you. You don’t have to be a product of the cruel parenting that was shown to you, and this starts with the brave decision that the cycle stops at you. People who do this, who refuse to continue a toxic legacy, are courageous, heroic and they change the world. We’re here to build amazing humans, not to tear them down. How would your life have been different if your parent was the one who decided that enough was enough?

7. You’re allowed to make mistakes and you’re allowed to do it on your own.
You may have been lead to believe that you’re not enough – not smart enough, beautiful enough, funny enough, strong enough or capable enough. The truth is that you are enough. Open yourself up to the possibility of this and see what happens. You don’t need to depend on anyone and making mistakes doesn’t make you a loser. It never has. That’s something you’ve been lead to believe by a parent who never supported you or never gave you permission to make mistakes sometimes. Make mistakes now, it’s okay. Give yourself full permission to try and miss. There will be hits and there will be misses. You don’t even know what you’re capable of because you’ve never been encouraged to find out. You’re stronger than you think you are, braver, better and smarter than you think you are, and now is your time to prove it to yourself.

8. Document the beliefs that hold you back. (And get yourself a rubber band.)
Document the beliefs that hold you back – write them down. The ones that get in your way and stop you from doing what you want to do, saying what you want to say or being who you want to be. Were you brought up to believe your opinion doesn’t count? You were brought up to believe that parents are always right? You were most likely brought up to believe that you’re unlovable, unimportant, stupid, annoying, incapable and worthless.
Now beside each belief, write what that belief is costing you. Has it cost you relationships, happiness, freedom to be, to experiment,  or to explore? Then, rewrite the script. Thoughts drive feelings, behavior, what you expect for yourself and what you expect from relationships and the world. How are you going to change those beliefs? Just choose one or two to start with and every time you catch yourself thinking the old thoughts, actively replace it with a new, more self-nurturing thought – then act as though that new thought is true. You don’t have to believe it – just pretend it is. Your head will catch up when it’s ready.

If it’s difficult to break out of the old thought, try this: wear a rubber band (or a hair band) around your wrist. Every time you catch yourself thinking the old thought, give the band a little flick. This will start to train your mind to let go of the old thoughts that have no place in your life anymore. You just need a little flick, no need for pain, your old thoughts have been doing that long enough already. There is no right or wrong on this. All the answers, strength and courage you need to do what’s right for you is in you. You just need to give yourself the opportunity and the reason to hear it.

9. The dreaded “shoulds” -  get rid of them.
“Shoulds” are the messages we take in whole (introject) from childhood, school, relationships, and society. They guide behavior automatically and this can be a good thing (“I should be around people who respect me”) or a not so good thing (“I should always be nice”). Take a close look at your “shoulds” and see if they’ve been swallowed with a spoonful of poison. Our “shoulds” come from many years of cultivating and careful pruning, so that when that “should” is fully formed, it automatically directs you without any thought.
It’s likely that the “should” that’s keeping you stuck has come from the person who wanted to keep you that way. Were you brought up feeling indebted to your parents? Did they make you feel you owe them? Did they make you feel like you’ll never cope if you separate properly from them? Did they deliver you messages to keep you small, quiet, or hidden? Believing the messages may have worked when you were younger, but it doesn’t have to be that way now. Don’t pick up from where they left off. You’re older now, with different circumstances, and in a different environment. Bring your “shoulds” out in the open so your actions can be more deliberate. If your “shoulds” are working for you, love them up and keep them, otherwise let them go. 

10. Nobody is all good or all bad. Let that guilt go.
One of the things that make ending any relationship so difficult is that there will be traces of exactly what you want. Even toxic parents can sometimes be loving, warm or nurturing, though it’s mostly, if not always, done to further their own agenda. In the same way that being ‘a little bit bad’ probably isn’t enough to sever an important relationship, being ‘a little bit good’ isn’t enough reason to keep one. Step back and take a look at the big picture. If you feel miserable in the relationship more than you feel good, question your reasons for staying. If it’s because your toxic parent is old, frail, sad or lonely, that might be all the reason you need to stay, and that’s okay. If it is, own the decision in strength and put limits on contact or how much you will give to the relationship. You’re entitled to take or give as much to the relationship as you decide. Just whatever you do, do it deliberately, in strength and clarity, not because you’re being manipulated or disempowered. The shift in mindset seems small, but it’s so important. 

11. Work on building yourself up.
Toxic environments are toxic to the brain – we know that with absolute certainty. The human brain is incredibly adaptive, and in response to a toxic environment it will shut down so as to protect itself as much as it can from the toxicity. When this happens, as it does during prolonged periods of emotional stress, the rate at which the brain produces new neurons (neurogenesis) slows right down, ultimately making people vulnerable to anxiety, depression, cognitive impairment, memory loss, reduced immunity, loss of vitality, reduced resilience to stress, and illness (research has shown that migraine and other pain conditions are more prevalent in people who were brought up in abusive environments, though the exact reason for the relationship is unclear).

We also know, without a doubt, that the damage can be turned around. Diet (omega 3, green tea extract, blueberry extract, reduced intake processed sugar and unhealthy carbohydrates), exercise (anything that increases heart rate), and meditation (such as a regular mindfulness practice) will all help to rebuild the brain and heal the damage done by a toxic environment. Increasing neurogenesis will help to build resilience, cognitive function, vitality and protect against stress, anxiety and depression.
Healing from a toxic parent starts with deciding that the lifetime of messages that have left you hollow or scarred are wrong. It means opening a heart that’s probably been closed for way too long, and receiving the love, approval and validation that has always been yours to own. Sometimes, it means realizing that parents break too, sometimes irreparably, sometimes to the point of never being able to show love to the people in their life who deserve it the most. Sometimes it means making the brave decision, in strength and with the greatest self-love and self-respect, to let go of the relationship that’s been hurting you.

Breaking free of a toxic parent is hard, but hard has never meant impossible. With the deliberate decision to move forward, there are endless turns your story can take.  You are a whole and valuable person deserving of respect and love. Be open to the possibilities of what that respect and love can bring. 

If you need help with leaving a toxic relationship, whether it be a parent or any one else, please reach out to a Marriage & Family Therapist in your area. They can help guide you through the process and work with you helping you see what a truly amazing person you are.

Many of us have great intentions of reaching our goals. We may tell ourselves;  "I'm going  to work out more, I'm going to increase my sales this month, I'm going to work on home improvements this week, or I'm going to begin drinking less alcohol". All of those are great goals, however, it's too easy to not reach any of those goals if we phrase them as I wrote them. 

In order to be more successful in your goals you must get much more specific than the examples I listed above.  A great system to use is the SMART goal setting system.  SMART goal setting brings structure and traceability into your goals and objectives. SMART goals create clear milestones and an estimation of the goal's attainability. 

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What does S.M.A.R.T. goal setting stand for?

S = Specific

• What "exactly" do you want to achieve? (get specific)

M = Measurable

• You need to be able to identify "exactly" what it is you will see, hear, and feel when you reach your goal. Eating healthier isn't a good goal. But, eating vegetables at least twice a day is an excellent goal. You can clearly see your progress. 

A = Attainable (this was originally named Assignable)

• Be realistic in your goal setting. I'd love to be a millionaire but that's not very attainable for me right now and too broad of a goal. Setting smaller goals will help you see success earlier and be very motivating.  So a better goal might be:  "I want to increase my income by 15% within the next six months." For some that's a small goal, for others it's a big goal but it's most likely attainable.  It's a specific number in a specific time frame. Also you need to weigh the effort, time and other costs that it will take to work on your goal. 

R = Relevant

• Is reaching your goal relevant to you? Is this what you really want?   Do you want to be famous, do you want to have four children, do you really want to work a busy job? Ask yourself why you want to reach your goal.  Be sure your goals are for you and not because someone else thinks you should reach for them. 

T = Timely

• Everyone knows that deadlines are very motivating for most people.  So don't work on goals that have no timeline attached. It's too easy for us to say, "I'll work on that goal tomorrow".  Set goals with a realistic timeline.  "I will lose 5 lbs in one month"... not.. "I will lose weight".  Remember, be specific so you can see when you've reached or are reaching your goal.  Ground your goal(s) with a time frame, giving your goal a target date. 

Being a therapist, I use this SMART system with many of my clients. I help them get very specific on what they want to accomplish in therapy. This may take a few sessions to figure out but it's important to clarify the goal.  

To have someone say, "I want to feel better about myself" is good, but it will be too difficult to know when my client will be there. So I dig a little deeper and ask my client, "What does that look like to you?"  After some exploring my client may say, "Instead of crying 4 days a week, I want to work on only crying 2 days a week".  That's very specific and attainable.  We work on that goal and after a month or so we revisit the goal. Is the client crying less?  How many days a week are they crying now?" Once they've reached crying only 2 days a week we set our next goal. How about crying only 2 times a month? Again a specific goal. 

This system works well when working on communication issues in relationships.  A couple may argue every single day.  So our measurable goal may be that they argue only 4 days a week.  Of course, we don't want arguing at all, but is that realistic?  Attainable?  We set goals that we can be successful with.  Once that goal is reached of only arguing 4 days a week we set a new goal of only arguing two days a week, and so forth. 

During the sessions, while working on goals, the therapist is exploring with the client what got them in their predicament. What changes need to be made and how can some of their problems be resolved.  It's all a work in progress all striving for those specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely goals. 

Why don't you think about a goal or two you'd like to reach?  Then apply the SMART goal setting approach and see if that makes reaching your goals a bit more successful. I bet you'll be pleased with your results. 

If you are in my area and need help reaching your goals, please feel free to reach out to me and together we can work this system.  It may take just a few sessions to get you set up and going.  You can then check back a month or so later and we can explore how you are doing.  My hope is for everyone to be successful in their goals, no matter how small or large. 

​https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SMART_criteria

Most of us don’t even scratch the surface of knowing who we really are, let alone figuring out what we have the potential to become. We are so confused that we keep oscillating between overconfidence and low self-esteem. One minute we are filled with a definite purpose for life and the next we move to the opposite end of the spectrum and are completely desolate.
 
Knowing ourselves better is a boon to our lives. We’re able to make smarter decisions about what’s best for us. We’re able to create more satisfying lives – lives that are based on our core values and personal priorities.
 
Often our identities contain a lot of “shoulds”. In other words, we strive to be what we think we should be. These “shoulds” may derive from society or our family and friends. I should like this. I should be that. I should behave in this way. I should say that. Who we are gets confused with and buried under the layers of who we think we should be. Strip away the “shoulds”, and think about who you really are. Simply ask, “Who am I?” You can start with statements like “I am a daughter” or “I am a writer” and progress to “I am happiest when I’m laughing with friends” or “I am learning to be kinder to myself.” 

If we begin asking ourselves the right questions, it may take us to the answers we need to gain clarity in our own self-discovery and lead us to a more fulfilling and happy life.
 
Here are 28 questions that open the door to help you in having a real conversation with yourself. Spend some times on these and answer them as honestly as possible. You may find some uncomfortable and some difficult. Don’t filter your answers by what you think others may think but rather be true to yourself.  This is how self-discovery begins.  Enjoy!

1. What activity in your life lights you up with joy?
2. What is something you always love doing, even when you are tired or rushed? Why?
3. If a relationship or job makes you unhappy, do you choose to stay or leave?
4. What do you fear about leaving a bad job or a bad relationship?
5. What do you believe is possible for you?
6. What have you done in your life that you are most proud of?
7. What is the thing that you are second most proud of?
8. What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?
9. How does your being here in the universe change humanity for the better?
10. If you could have one single wish granted, what would it be?
11. How comfortable are you with your own mortality?
12. What is your highest core value?
13. To your best knowledge, how do other people perceive you?
14. How would you like others to perceive you?
15. How confident are you in your abilities to make decisions for yourself?
16. What is your biggest self-limiting belief?
17. Who is the most important person in your life?
18. Who is your greatest role model?
19. Who is a person that you don’t like yet you spend time with?
20. What is something that is true for you no matter what?
21. What is your moral compass in making difficult decisions?
22. What is one failure that you have turned into your greatest lesson?
23. What role does gratitude play in your life?
24. How do you feel about your parents?
25. How is your relationship with money?
26. How do you feel about growing old someday?
27. Do you believe your destiny is pre-determined or in your hands to shape however you wish?
28. What do you believe is the meaning of your life?

I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides   in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals.
Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ LizBirchMFT@gmail.com

All top performers, regardless of profession, know the importance of picturing themselves succeeding in their minds before they actually do in reality.
 
When you think of a big goal or dream that you want to achieve, it’s natural to think of all of the obstacles that will come your way. The problem is far too often we allow these obstacles to become so big in our minds that it inhibits us from moving forward. This is when many become satisfied with mediocrity. But what if you visualized yourself succeeding? What if you visualized yourself being the best in your profession?

Consider these three examples:

• Boxing legend Muhammad Ali was always stressing the importance of seeing himself victorious long before the actual fight. 
• To stay motivated, Jim Carrey, decided to write himself a check for $10 million for “acting services rendered,” dated it for 1994 and carried it in his wallet for daily inspiration. In 1994, Jim Carrey learned he would reap exactly $10 million for his role in Dumb and Dumber.
• Oprah Winfrey, who grew up in poverty, would tell herself over and over again “My life won’t be like this. My life won’t be like this, it will be better.” Besides frequently showcasing success stories of positive thinking on The Oprah Winfrey Show, she discussed creating her own Vision Board to realize her dreams. 

 
If you can picture yourself achieving a goal, chances are you will. The more vivid you can get, the better it will work for you. 

What is a Vision Board?  It’s a sacred place where you can place photos, trinkets, quotes, sayings, music lyrics, etc., anything you can think of, that represents your future goals and how you want to feel.
 
Start thinking of your personal goals in life. Spend about 10 to 15 minutes picturing yourself achieving each one. Get as detailed as possible. Picture what you will do once your goal is reached. How amazing does it feel? How will this change the course of your life? Remember, the little details increase the likelihood of the big picture. A Vision Board gives you a visual to look at daily. Important: be sure to look at and focus on each entry on your Vision Board daily!

Here’s how to create your Vision Board.

What you’ll need:

• Any kind of board, if you’re new maybe start with a corkboard or poster board. If you can, you might want a pin board or something pretty you like to look at.
• Scissors, tape, pins, and/or a glue-stick to put your board together. 
• If you want, fun markers, stickers, or anything else you can think of to deck out your board.
• Magazines that you can cut images and quotes from. 
• Most importantly, the stuff you want to look at every day. Photos, quotes, sayings, images of places you want to go, images of places you see yourself working, reminders of events, places, or people, and cut out words that depict how you want to feel. Include anything that will inspire you.
• Give yourself a stress-free hour or two to put your board together. Or it can be a work in progress, which might take a week or two to get all your goals and feelings on your Vision Board.

 
How to do it:
Turn off the TV and turn on some relaxing music. Light a candle and clear your space. 

As stated above, cut pictures, quotes, action words, feeling words out of magazines. You might want to use personal photos, pieces of fabric, coins, anything!

When it comes to actually putting your stuff on the board, you may want to section your board off into themes, such as, “Finance”, “Career”, “Family”, “Romance”, “Travel”, “Personal Growth”, “Spiritual”, “Health”, or what ever you want.

It might be helpful to leave space in between each item because clutter can be distracting. However, if you love the feeling of closeness and want everything to touch and overlap, then group it all together and overlap your objects. As for choosing what makes the final cut, lay everything out before you start gluing and pinning so you can get an idea of where you want everything.

For ideas take a look at Pinterest! You'll find lots of Vision Boards.  But remember, the most important part of your Vision Board is to look at it daily and remember your goals! 

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I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides   in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals.
Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ LizBirchMFT@gmail.com

One of the most common struggles that people come in to see me for is learning the art of letting go of the past. Many are stuck thinking about the wrongs that have been done to them and they are angry, frustrated, hurt, and sad.  The unfortunate part about hanging on to those feelings is they continue to hurt and harm those that we love.  That could mean hurting others that weren’t involved in the past misfortunes.  
 
So let’s take a look at those past feelings. Those feelings aren’t really the past, they are the present. You are presently feeling angry, frustrated, hurt and/or sad. And it’s those feelings that are keeping the past alive.
 
What I first like to do with clients is to fester out all that the person is feeling, such as, anger, frustration, hurt, sadness – or any other feelings that they are experiencing.
 
Example –
Client: “I am angry that my parents worked all day and I was left alone to fend for myself”. Therapist: “You are angry that you were left alone?”   Client: “Yes!”  Therapist: “Tell me more about that anger.” Client: “They should have been there for me!”  Therapist: “Tell me what it was like to be alone.” Client: “I had no one to talk to, I was bored, at times I got scared.” Therapist: “So you were scared to?” Client: “Of course I was scared, I was just a kid!”  Therapist: “Let’s talk about you feeling scared.”  Client: “I was scared because what if someone tried to come into my home when I was alone?”  What if I got injured and no one was there?”  “Why didn’t they care enough about me to be home with me?”  Therapist: “What I heard you say in the beginning was you were angry because you were left alone but I’m also hearing you were frightened and you felt your parents didn’t care about you.” Client: “Yes, I guess, I feel they must have not cared about me so they left me alone at home.”
 
So we move from just being angry to actually carrying around a feeling that the client’s parents’ “didn’t care”.  The above is just a short snippet of working through feelings and there’s more involved. It’s a process of several sessions to fester everything out. It’s like peeling an onion and working through all the layers by identifying all the feelings that were experiences. As we identify all that had happened, it’s validated.
 
I hope this gives you an idea of how to pull out all the feelings.  I don’t want anything ignored or left out.  I want to hear about the experiences that are causing so much pain. But what do we do about them now?  
 
Experiences of the past need to be validated and never brushed off. Events happened and the feelings of the past are real. I spend time with clients letting them “feel” all that they have identified.  That could mean they sit in sadness, anger or grief – but just for a limited time. We then move on.
 
Now we get to the part where we let it all go!  Memories are just thoughts and thoughts have no power – unless the person chooses to give it power.  Some thoughts stick with us, we react to them, and we keep thinking about them.  Ugh! To keep thinking about them serves no purpose.
 
Some things you shouldn’t do:
•   Make yourself forget about the past (you can not forget it)
•   Stuff or ignore your feelings
•   Wait for an apology or acknowledgment (if you never get an apology you will always sit in pain)
•   Wait for time to heal all wounds
•   Change the past (you can’t change what happened but you absolutely can change your reaction to what happened)
 
As a Cognitive Behavior Therapist I talk to my clients about how our feelings control our behavior. If you stay with anger, hurt and sadness, then they will become your reality. As an alternative, be open to moving forward. Prepare yourself to feel differently. Contemplate not defining yourself by thoughts about the past. Keep in mind, what you focus on, will become your present.
 
Many have been telling themselves their unfortunate life circumstances so many times that they aren’t allowing positive thoughts to come in. These negative thoughts keep you distracted from moving forward.  
 
Some stuck thoughts that people hold on to:
•   “I want to stay stuck because I was wronged.”
•   “It is someone else’s responsibility to make this better for me.”
•   “If I let go, I’m somehow approving another person’s bad behavior.”
•   “I need an apology.”
•   “Life is unfair.”
 
Holding on to those thoughts, the constant reminder, will only keep your unfortunate experiences in the present. How you feel is your responsibility, no one else’s. Once you realize all the power that you have, you can begin the process of letting go.
 
Holding on to the past is like wearing a pair of shoes that are a bit too small for you.  You can get your feet into them but they hurt like heck.  It’s time to take them off and begin to enjoy comfort again.
 
Remember, you are in control of how you feel. Begin by thinking more positively. But it might not be so easy at first. You have to reinforce those positive thoughts and behaviors so they will stick. As with any sort of training, the more you practice, the better you get—and, yes, you can practice being positive.
 
Live for today. Live for and look for the positive in others.  Embrace the positive aspects of your parents, spouse, children and friends.
 
When you start feeling like the idea of being a positive person is daunting, remind yourself that all it takes is one small step in the right direction to move yourself toward a more positive attitude.
 
Believe in yourself and remember the most important lesson of all: A positive outlook is a choice that you can always make.




I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides   in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals.
Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ LizBirchMFT@gmail.com

As a therapist I strive to provide the best support I can for my clients. What ever journey they are taking I feel blessed to be there with them. I sit with them as they experience all the emotions one can imagine - joy, anger, hurt, acceptance, excitement, rage, love, happiness, . . .  it’s almost never ending.  But of all of those emotions I wondered what would be the best one to experience.  I thought about several positive ones such as joy, glee, happiness, and love.   But I wasn’t convinced that it was one of those. 

I searched for one that would make the most impact. I wondered if there was an emotion that we can’t live without?  As I thought of my various clients, I searched for a common emotion that helped them progress through their goals. 

Then I thought of it.  It’s the emotion we all strive for. The one that we need to move forward.  The one that tells us not to give up.  The one that keeps my clients moving along a path, sometimes slowly, sometimes backwards, but they keep moving.  It’s hope. 

Hope lets us know that for every rainbow we see there is a pot of gold if we just keep trying. That pot of gold can look different for each of us.  Maybe it’s a healthy family, stable marriage, being employed, being pain free, not feeling depressed, scared or angry.  Hope gives us the strength and drives us to move ahead. Hope is the optimism that things will get better. Hope gives us that snippet of who we can become. 

Next time you are with someone who may be struggling, feeling down, or needing guidance, help them find hope.   Some ways you can do that is to remind them to dream big, look for the positive, strive for the future, accept help, join with others that are hopeful and to not give up. 



Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides home-based and online psychotherapy.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, stress reduction, depression, trauma and provides support to the military population and their families. She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com and email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com