 I’ve always recognized that I tend to run on the perfectionistic side.
I’ve always liked things neat and orderly. When I have a project to do I strive to get it done as soon as possible because I don’t like projects hanging around. Also, when working on anything, I want to do it right the first time because I don’t want to waste time having to do it again. On the one hand, I appreciate my intention to do my best at whatever I do, but on the other hand, I see how this mentality can paralyze my efforts and prevent me from taking risks and reaching my goals. I have since come to learn, in the past decade, that I will get more out of life, and strive farther if I am more relaxed and flexible regarding some of my actions. My perfectionistic attitude hasn’t completely left me but there is a part of me where I’m learning to expand my perspective, be okay with some failure, and on occasion work on tasks allowing more room for error. We all have the choice to change. We can choose to shift our perspective and tell a new story. I’ve written, in the past, about how we all can change our stories. We don’t have to continue living with the struggles we place on ourselves. We all can write our new life story that includes imperfections and it’s benefits. All of this reminds me of a woman I once worked with. Forty-five year old Jane* is a CEO of a large company with many employees who report to her. In addition to her typical CEO responsibilities she also is part of the training program and does monthly workshops teaching those in middle management how to be successful in their jobs, which ultimately benefits the company. On one hand Jane appreciates the opportunity to share her sharp business sense and to improve the job skills of those in middle management, but on the other hand she lives with hidden intense anxiety that is destroying her daily living. At the end of the day she’s exhausted and by the time she gets home she takes out her anxiety and stress on those closest to her. When I first met Jane I could see an unhappy woman, who enjoyed little, but she had an amazing job making great money. I asked her to tell me details of why she came to therapy. Then, we had the following exchange. Me: Think for a minute, Jane. You're home alone on Sunday with anxiety gnawing at you. What goes through your mind the second before you begin to feel that way? Jane: Tomorrow is work and a training day. Me: Okay, but what do you tell yourself that is so horrible about that? Jane: I might make a mistake. What if I tell middle management something wrong? I’ll embarrass myself. Me: Ah! So what if you did? Why would that be so horrible? Jane: I don't want to make a mistake. Me: I know and that's good. Wanting to do well keeps you motivated. But, what I'm hearing you say is that, not only do you not want to make a mistake, but that you must never make even one mistake. Jane: I’m a CEO. I’m supposed to know everything about my business. They expect that of me. I can't afford a mistake. Me: But, Jane, how in the world can you pull that off? How can you go through your professional life, much less even a single day, and never make a mistake? Sounds impossible to me. Even CEO’s are imperfect, fallible people. Aren't they? Jane: Of course, but I got where I am today because I was taught to do everything right. My father started the company, worked hard, grew it to where it is now and had high expectations of me. I have to be sure I put out quality work, to not accept anything but the best. God forbid I make a mistake! He’s gone now but I still can’t fail. Me: Well, that's a shame, because that sets up the anxiety you suffer. Think about it. You've taken an admirable desire to do the very best you can with each of your managers. And then you've convinced yourself that you absolutely must, or need to be, God's gift to perfection. With that “must be perfect” expectation banging around in your head, you bring on this misery every time you’re in front of people. Do you see that? Jane: Yes, I guess, I see it. Me: What does this demand for perfection get you? Jane: I suppose my anxiety. Me: Yes, and little, if any, happiness and pleasure in your work. Jane: Sad, but true. My synopsis: Jane had a strong desire to do well, which was appropriate, and it motivated her to give each manager her very best. But, she went beyond this desire to believing that she must—absolutely must—perform perfectly, never overlooking one piece of data or making even the slightest mistake. To her, it would be horrible to make an error and she feared being humiliated in front of her managers so much that her anxiety began to take over her life. Even past her father’s death she fears letting him down. She hated Sundays because that meant the following day was the pressure of being perfect at work. Me: I’ll bet you hold these perfectionistic expectations in other areas of your life as well, not just at work. Right? Jane: I’m sure I do. Me: Well, like where? Jane: I get nervous at family functions. Me: What's your attitude about that? Jane: What if I do something stupid? My extended family knows I’m a CEO of a company my father started and they have expectations that I carry myself a certain way. I don’t feel like I can “let down” and relax. I’m always on edge. Me: In other words, Jane, you must do well at all times and look good, or else. Jane: Yes, that’s right. Once we got to the core of Jane’s anxiety we began to focus our therapy goals on her perfectionism. As Jane learned to relax and let go some of her perfectionism she began to realize that her managers were seeing her in a more real and authentic way. She did make a mistake in one of her presentations and she learned the world didn’t collapse. She saw that when her managers saw her mistake, it took the pressure off of them to be perfect and their own anxiety reduced. Jane’s happiness began to increase and her Sunday’s were much more enjoyable. Her family also saw her more authentic, relaxed and fun to be with. Here are four benefits to being imperfect: 1. Less Stress - Ditching the “shoulds” and all-or-nothing thinking will allow you to find more peace and enjoy your daily accomplishments and successes while you learn from your mistakes and less than perfect outcomes. 2. Improved Relationships – When you can accept your limitations and imperfections, you give others the permission to be imperfect, as well. As your expectations and impossible standards for yourself lessen, so do those you held for the people in your life. Our outer world is a reflection of our inner world, so when we begin to value ourselves regardless of what we do or achieve in any area, we then begin to value others for who they are and not what they do. 3. Increased Energy – When all of your energy is no longer concentrated on worrying about what you SHOULD be doing and how you SHOULD be doing it, you free yourself up to focus on what really matters. 4. Healthier Self-Image – Accepting and appreciating our imperfections creates room for self-nurturing, compassion, and love. You can begin to appreciate the qualities, characteristics, and experiences that are unique to you without the need to be perfect. Bottom line, if you are struggling with perfectionism accept that you are a fallible human being, one who, by your nature, cannot ever lead an absolute perfect existence. Strive to do well and work at creating positive experiences throughout your life. But what is most important is to be authentic and realistic. Make the effort to let go of your perfectionism and you will see the positive results. * While the main parts of this client exchange are true, main facts have been changed to protect the client's anonymity. I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals. Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ [email protected]
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 Most of us don’t even scratch the surface of knowing who we really are, let alone figuring out what we have the potential to become. We are so confused that we keep oscillating between overconfidence and low self-esteem. One minute we are filled with a definite purpose for life and the next we move to the opposite end of the spectrum and are completely desolate.
Knowing ourselves better is a boon to our lives. We’re able to make smarter decisions about what’s best for us. We’re able to create more satisfying lives – lives that are based on our core values and personal priorities. Often our identities contain a lot of “shoulds”. In other words, we strive to be what we think we should be. These “shoulds” may derive from society or our family and friends. I should like this. I should be that. I should behave in this way. I should say that. Who we are gets confused with and buried under the layers of who we think we should be. Strip away the “shoulds”, and think about who you really are. Simply ask, “Who am I?” You can start with statements like “I am a daughter” or “I am a writer” and progress to “I am happiest when I’m laughing with friends” or “I am learning to be kinder to myself.” If we begin asking ourselves the right questions, it may take us to the answers we need to gain clarity in our own self-discovery and lead us to a more fulfilling and happy life. Here are 28 questions that open the door to help you in having a real conversation with yourself. Spend some times on these and answer them as honestly as possible. You may find some uncomfortable and some difficult. Don’t filter your answers by what you think others may think but rather be true to yourself. This is how self-discovery begins. Enjoy!
I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals. Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ [email protected]  One of the most common struggles that people come in to see me for is learning the art of letting go of the past. Many are stuck thinking about the wrongs that have been done to them and they are angry, frustrated, hurt, and sad. The unfortunate part about hanging on to those feelings is they continue to hurt and harm those that we love. That could mean hurting others that weren’t involved in the past misfortunes.
So let’s take a look at those past feelings. Those feelings aren’t really the past, they are the present. You are presently feeling angry, frustrated, hurt and/or sad. And it’s those feelings that are keeping the past alive. What I first like to do with clients is to fester out all that the person is feeling, such as, anger, frustration, hurt, sadness – or any other feelings that they are experiencing. Example – Client: “I am angry that my parents worked all day and I was left alone to fend for myself”. Therapist: “You are angry that you were left alone?” Client: “Yes!” Therapist: “Tell me more about that anger.” Client: “They should have been there for me!” Therapist: “Tell me what it was like to be alone.” Client: “I had no one to talk to, I was bored, at times I got scared.” Therapist: “So you were scared to?” Client: “Of course I was scared, I was just a kid!” Therapist: “Let’s talk about you feeling scared.” Client: “I was scared because what if someone tried to come into my home when I was alone?” What if I got injured and no one was there?” “Why didn’t they care enough about me to be home with me?” Therapist: “What I heard you say in the beginning was you were angry because you were left alone but I’m also hearing you were frightened and you felt your parents didn’t care about you.” Client: “Yes, I guess, I feel they must have not cared about me so they left me alone at home.” So we move from just being angry to actually carrying around a feeling that the client’s parents’ “didn’t care”. The above is just a short snippet of working through feelings and there’s more involved. It’s a process of several sessions to fester everything out. It’s like peeling an onion and working through all the layers by identifying all the feelings that were experiences. As we identify all that had happened, it’s validated. I hope this gives you an idea of how to pull out all the feelings. I don’t want anything ignored or left out. I want to hear about the experiences that are causing so much pain. But what do we do about them now? Experiences of the past need to be validated and never brushed off. Events happened and the feelings of the past are real. I spend time with clients letting them “feel” all that they have identified. That could mean they sit in sadness, anger or grief – but just for a limited time. We then move on. Now we get to the part where we let it all go! Memories are just thoughts and thoughts have no power – unless the person chooses to give it power. Some thoughts stick with us, we react to them, and we keep thinking about them. Ugh! To keep thinking about them serves no purpose. Some things you shouldn’t do: • Make yourself forget about the past (you can not forget it) • Stuff or ignore your feelings • Wait for an apology or acknowledgment (if you never get an apology you will always sit in pain) • Wait for time to heal all wounds • Change the past (you can’t change what happened but you absolutely can change your reaction to what happened) As a Cognitive Behavior Therapist I talk to my clients about how our feelings control our behavior. If you stay with anger, hurt and sadness, then they will become your reality. As an alternative, be open to moving forward. Prepare yourself to feel differently. Contemplate not defining yourself by thoughts about the past. Keep in mind, what you focus on, will become your present. Many have been telling themselves their unfortunate life circumstances so many times that they aren’t allowing positive thoughts to come in. These negative thoughts keep you distracted from moving forward. Some stuck thoughts that people hold on to: • “I want to stay stuck because I was wronged.” • “It is someone else’s responsibility to make this better for me.” • “If I let go, I’m somehow approving another person’s bad behavior.” • “I need an apology.” • “Life is unfair.” Holding on to those thoughts, the constant reminder, will only keep your unfortunate experiences in the present. How you feel is your responsibility, no one else’s. Once you realize all the power that you have, you can begin the process of letting go. Holding on to the past is like wearing a pair of shoes that are a bit too small for you. You can get your feet into them but they hurt like heck. It’s time to take them off and begin to enjoy comfort again. Remember, you are in control of how you feel. Begin by thinking more positively. But it might not be so easy at first. You have to reinforce those positive thoughts and behaviors so they will stick. As with any sort of training, the more you practice, the better you get—and, yes, you can practice being positive. Live for today. Live for and look for the positive in others. Embrace the positive aspects of your parents, spouse, children and friends. When you start feeling like the idea of being a positive person is daunting, remind yourself that all it takes is one small step in the right direction to move yourself toward a more positive attitude. Believe in yourself and remember the most important lesson of all: A positive outlook is a choice that you can always make. I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals. Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ [email protected]  The therapy process is a time and place for you to open up about your thoughts and feelings. Especially the one’s you find the most difficult to talk about. It’s those stories from our past, the ones often forgotten, mostly by choice, that are having a profound impact on your life now. But I know that sharing those stories from your past isn’t easy. You’ve tucked them away for a reason.
When in therapy with me, I share that our past events, in part, shape who we are and it's important that we take a look at it. Many don't want to go there. But in order for us to understand what is happening now it’s important that the stories of your life experiences come to light. It’s very scary, I know. But the process doesn’t have to be scary or intensely direct. I often tell my clients, when they are having difficulty verbalizing their emotions or thoughts, to journal write. It’s a very freeing, liberating and sometimes a scary experience that you can do where you are most comfortable – in your home, at the park, or wherever you choose. Journal writing helps you move toward self-discovery. It will help you make sense of the chaos that may be surrounding you. It’s helps resolve traumas that you may have experienced which is holding you back from your potential. And it’s a safe way of looking at the past, which can inspire you to move forward. In journal writing you don’t need to be a seasoned writer. Just grab a pen, notepad, journal book, or your computer and be ready with an open mind. Journal writing is a wonderful outlet for letting go of your bottled up emotions. If you are feeling sad, happy, excited or angry, write it down. Release what ever you are thinking and don’t worry about grammar. Sometimes you may find yourself just writing single words; sometimes it’s a sentence. You might be someone who draws pictures. Just let you mind focus on what you are feeling, don’t hold back, write it down. I assure you the feeling is liberating and powerful. If you find it’s bringing about upsetting feelings please bring that to your therapist. She/he can help you process the unsettling thoughts and bring you toward a place of acceptance. One of the benefits of journal writing, since it captures all of your unfiltered reflections, is you will begin to understand who you are. It will also help you see a solution and help you find healing. Journal writing will help you see who you are and changes you might want to make. My suggestions for Journal Writing;
Journal writing has been used effectively for grief and loss; coping with life-threatening or chronic illness; recovery from addictions, eating disorders and trauma; repairing troubled marriages and family relationships; increasing communication skills; developing healthier self-esteem; getting a better perspective on life; and clarifying life goals. I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals. Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ [email protected]  Anger Management Anger is a natural, though sometimes unwanted or irrational, emotion that everybody experiences from time to time. But sometimes we let this “anger” take over our lives.
While anger is in place primarily as a way of surviving and protecting us, too much of it can lead to detrimental emotional and physical changes. It can cause havoc in our own daily lives and for those we are closest to. Constant anger can lead to depression, eating disorders, alcoholism and self-injury along with high blood pressure, increased heart rate, and increased adrenaline. Intense and constant anger can negatively affect your business relationships and especially your relationships with those you love the most. It can make a person rude, unapproachable and just plain hard to live with. Anger is a secondary emotion, which is caused by and hides a deeper emotion. If your friend is untruthful to others about something you have done, you may get angry when what you are really feeling is hurt or betrayed. Anger is often caused by deep sadness and, most often of all; it’s caused by fear. Next time you are angry, slow down and really think about what you are “feeling”. Could you actually be feeling hurt, disappointed or are you fearful of something? Any management of anger will require you to look at the deeper reasons for it. Sometimes, these may be half-forgotten, avoided, denied or buried. Often anger can be a need for control - of others, events or yourself. It is also often an existential issue caused by lack of meaning, loss, isolation or lack of freedom. If you address the deeper issues in counseling, you’ll begin to see certain triggers that present themselves which bring about your anger. Once these triggers are identified you can start to lower the amount of anger. Resentment is a very corrosive, hidden and unpleasant form of anger. It’s a mixture of jealousy, frustration, bitterness and harbored injustice. It is a real joy killer. You simply cannot be happy if you have deep-seated resentments about someone close to you. It’s better to talk it over and see if you can reach a compromise. Ask yourself if the resentment you feel towards the other is about what you lack rather than what they have and address that honestly and positively in your own life – asking them to help with it as much as they can. If anger is taking over you and negatively affecting your daily life with those you love, or those you work with, please seek out a therapist so you can begin the process of healing. I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals. Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ [email protected]  It’s hard to believe but December 2014 is here. For most, that brings non-stop holiday stress. You want to be sure all is taken care of, presents are purchased, wrapped and placed under the tree in time for the mass opening of them all. You want to be sure you got Uncle Charley the perfect gift and picky Aunt Alice something that she won’t say she already has. You also want to be sure that everyone in the family is comfortable and happy. It’s one thing to entertain extended family and friends throughout the year on a limited basis but to have everyone together at one time on the same evening…. well … can be a real stress provoker. And what if one of your family members has a mental health issue. The holidays may bring lots of anxiety and/or heighten his/her symptoms. Keep in mind, it may not necessarily be the “holiday’s” that is the stressor but it’s probably more likely the change in his/her schedule. Having a routine is very comforting for may people and especially those trying to manage mental health issues. When the routine is upset it may send those dependent on it in a bit of a tizzy. Here’s some tips that I hope you'll find helpful when trying to help those that are having difficulties during this time of year.
Bottom line, despite all our good intentions, remember the holidays rarely turn out as planned. Celebrate this season of hope and expectation. Celebrate the many blessings in your life and in those of who you love. Most importantly don't forget ... "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" * May you all have a happy and stress free holiday! *(unfamiliar with that phrase .. please visit it on Google) I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who can provide services with anyone who resides in the State of California. I have also been trained in Clinical Hypnotherapy which is beneficial for more specific goals. Liz Birch, LMFT, CHt ~ 714-584-6047 ~ [email protected] |
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