​mind·ful·ness
ˈmīn(d)f(ə)lnəs/
noun
 
1. the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.
"their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition" 
 
2. a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Relationships are the cornerstone of a good life both emotionally and physically. Relationships (for this article) don’t only mean between two people that are connected by blood or marriage, but are also interactions between two or more people in any setting. We may have a relationship with members of our community, co-workers or people we worship with.  So when I refer to relationships it can be with anyone we encounter and how we talk, behave or deal with each other. 

It’s been highly reported that being in satisfying relationships lead to a happier life with fewer health problems as well as reduced depression and cognitive decline. So you can deduce that being involved in relationships that are unsatisfying or negative can lead to negative health effects and poor daily outcomes. 
So, now lets talk about relationships and mindfulness. 
To be sure you understand mindfulness – “mindfulness” means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment.
 
Research on mindfulness at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center and at the Harvard Medical School shows that the majority of people who attend an eight-week mindfulness-based stress reduction course reported lasting improvement in both physical and psychological symptoms from conditions such as heart disease, migraine headaches, some auto-immune diseases, obsessive thinking, anxiety, depression, and hostility. They also report an increased ability to relax, greater energy and enthusiasm for life, improved confidence and self-esteem, and more effective coping with both short-term and long-term stress.

Mindfulness involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. When we practice mindfulness, our thoughts focus on what we’re sensing in the present moment rather than bringing up the past or forecasting into the future.
 
Here’s a closer look at mindfulness in a relationship:
 
A typical conversation between a couple may involve one partner remarking, “You used to want to go out every weekend. You used to enjoy going hiking on a moments notice.” This may spark a defensive response in the other partner: “What? You’re saying I don’t want to go out and have fun anymore? You think I’m boring? Well look at you? The only thing you want to do is stare at your phone and play games on it! You seem happy just sitting on the couch!” This type of angry and accusatory response tends to have a snowball effect. “I never said you didn’t want to go out any more, and now you’re saying I just want to play on my phone? I’m constantly working to make you happy. You’re so ungrateful.”
Couples tend to play off each other in the heat of the dialog. In that intense angry state, their resentments toward each other start to flow. At this point, their higher functioning brains are offline and the emotional centers are flying out. Strong, exaggerated, hostile statements are erupting. Yet, if either could be more mindful in the interaction, they would take pause before responding. Before reacting, slow down. They could notice what is happening and that they are being triggered. In a mindfulness state they can choose to do something else. Before reacting, listen intently to what your partner is saying. Imagine your partner’s emotions. Listen to the words. Fight being triggered and just reacting. You might need to take a break. This may mean taking a few deep breaths or going for a walk so you don’t become engaged in the angry fight. 

The next time you find yourself in a more un-mindful moment (blaming, criticizing, judging) with someone, simply take a breath, observe your body and ask yourself the following questions:

• How can I accept what is being said, or what is happening at the moment, without judgment or struggle?
  
  


• How can I allow these feelings to exist without letting them drive my reactions?
  
  
• Am I buying into any false thoughts about the other person or myself?

 
Philip Moffet,  who founded the Life Balance Institute, stated the following about Mindfulness and Relationships; 

1. Begin your exploration of relationship with making an inventory of how “related” you feel to others in various situations in your daily life. Then cultivate a modest aspiration to deepen your feelings of relatedness. Avoid falling into cultural clichés around what different kinds of relationships are supposed to look like. Relatedness is an inner felt experience that you know in your heart and in your body. 
2. Become interested in the nature of your friendships. Be honest with yourself. Are they friendships of convenience, mutual advantage, or circumstance? If so, how does that feel? Can you identify three people whose friendships offer the potential for deeper feelings of relatedness? Each of these opportunities may be less than ideal, but still there is opportunity. You are cultivating the ability of your mind and heart to be available for relationship and through mindfulness developing the skills to do so.
3. Turn your attention to your significant other. If it’s a long-term relationship, notice if you have ceased to seek intimacy. If so, why? Is it because of their imperfections? Your feelings of rejection? Boredom? Is the relationship failing to meet some expectation? This very same relationship offers an opportunity for deeper relatedness, if you are willing to accept the person as they are and not demand that they be otherwise. Commit to do doing metta [loving-kindness] practice for your significant other every morning for six months and observe what change occurs when you cultivate love without demand.
 
4. In most families there is a range of closeness among members. Do you feel more related to some members of your family than others? Start being mindful of how lack of closeness causes you to be defensive around a certain family member, or to shut someone out, or to ignore their full range of human dimensions. Begin a compassion practice for one such member of your family and start to explore how you can be more fully accepting of this person just as they are. And then notice how it feels within you when you do have a moment of such acceptance.
 
5. In one sense your co-workers are your work “family.” In fact the culture at your workplace will reflect the family dynamics of your boss. So you can do reflection #4 for your co-workers, just as you did for your family members. 
6. Throughout your day you can notice and appreciate other people and be sympathetic toward their situations. Smile at them. Be kind to them. All of these actions represent numerous moments of relatedness. Develop a practice of mindful appreciation and kindness toward others. Observe how it starts to enrich your life within just a few months.



Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Tustin, CA.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com,  email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.

One of the most common struggles that people come in to see me for is learning the art of letting go of the past. Many are stuck thinking about the wrongs that have been done to them and they are angry, frustrated, hurt, and sad.  The unfortunate part about hanging on to those feelings is they continue to hurt and harm those that we love.  That could mean hurting others that weren’t involved in the past misfortunes.  
 
So let’s take a look at those past feelings. Those feelings aren’t really the past, they are the present. You are presently feeling angry, frustrated, hurt and/or sad. And it’s those feelings that are keeping the past alive.
 
What I first like to do with clients is to fester out all that the person is feeling, such as, anger, frustration, hurt, sadness – or any other feelings that they are experiencing.
 
Example –
Client: “I am angry that my parents worked all day and I was left alone to fend for myself”. Therapist: “You are angry that you were left alone?”   Client: “Yes!”  Therapist: “Tell me more about that anger.” Client: “They should have been there for me!”  Therapist: “Tell me what it was like to be alone.” Client: “I had no one to talk to, I was bored, at times I got scared.” Therapist: “So you were scared to?” Client: “Of course I was scared, I was just a kid!”  Therapist: “Let’s talk about you feeling scared.”  Client: “I was scared because what if someone tried to come into my home when I was alone?”  What if I got injured and no one was there?”  “Why didn’t they care enough about me to be home with me?”  Therapist: “What I heard you say in the beginning was you were angry because you were left alone but I’m also hearing you were frightened and you felt your parents didn’t care about you.” Client: “Yes, I guess, I feel they must have not cared about me so they left me alone at home.”
 
So we move from just being angry to actually carrying around a feeling that the client’s parents’ “didn’t care”.  The above is just a short snippet of working through feelings and there’s more involved. It’s a process of several sessions to fester everything out. It’s like peeling an onion and working through all the layers by identifying all the feelings that were experiences. As we identify all that had happened, it’s validated.
 
I hope this gives you an idea of how to pull out all the feelings.  I don’t want anything ignored or left out.  I want to hear about the experiences that are causing so much pain. But what do we do about them now?  
 
Experiences of the past need to be validated and never brushed off. Events happened and the feelings of the past are real. I spend time with clients letting them “feel” all that they have identified.  That could mean they sit in sadness, anger or grief – but just for a limited time. We then move on.
 
Now we get to the part where we let it all go!  Memories are just thoughts and thoughts have no power – unless the person chooses to give it power.  Some thoughts stick with us, we react to them, and we keep thinking about them.  Ugh! To keep thinking about them serves no purpose.
 
Some things you shouldn’t do:
•   Make yourself forget about the past (you can not forget it)
•   Stuff or ignore your feelings
•   Wait for an apology or acknowledgment (if you never get an apology you will always sit in pain)
•   Wait for time to heal all wounds
•   Change the past (you can’t change what happened but you absolutely can change your reaction to what happened)
 
As a Cognitive Behavior Therapist I talk to my clients about how our feelings control our behavior. If you stay with anger, hurt and sadness, then they will become your reality. As an alternative, be open to moving forward. Prepare yourself to feel differently. Contemplate not defining yourself by thoughts about the past. Keep in mind, what you focus on, will become your present.
 
Many have been telling themselves their unfortunate life circumstances so many times that they aren’t allowing positive thoughts to come in. These negative thoughts keep you distracted from moving forward.  
 
Some stuck thoughts that people hold on to:
•   “I want to stay stuck because I was wronged.”
•   “It is someone else’s responsibility to make this better for me.”
•   “If I let go, I’m somehow approving another person’s bad behavior.”
•   “I need an apology.”
•   “Life is unfair.”
 
Holding on to those thoughts, the constant reminder, will only keep your unfortunate experiences in the present. How you feel is your responsibility, no one else’s. Once you realize all the power that you have, you can begin the process of letting go.
 
Holding on to the past is like wearing a pair of shoes that are a bit too small for you.  You can get your feet into them but they hurt like heck.  It’s time to take them off and begin to enjoy comfort again.
 
Remember, you are in control of how you feel. Begin by thinking more positively. But it might not be so easy at first. You have to reinforce those positive thoughts and behaviors so they will stick. As with any sort of training, the more you practice, the better you get—and, yes, you can practice being positive.
 
Live for today. Live for and look for the positive in others.  Embrace the positive aspects of your parents, spouse, children and friends.
 
When you start feeling like the idea of being a positive person is daunting, remind yourself that all it takes is one small step in the right direction to move yourself toward a more positive attitude.
 
Believe in yourself and remember the most important lesson of all: A positive outlook is a choice that you can always make.




Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Tustin, CA.  She is also trained in Hypnosis and utilizes Hypnotherapy as a complementary treatment for many issues  Her areas of expertise are with anxiety, depression, traumas, ptsd (military and civilian), relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, and personal growth. She can be reached at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-584-6047.

We set goals for ourselves, have big plans, can feel the success, the excitement is there, we’re off and running to a good start and then it all slowly peters out.  Now the frustration sets in and we begin to tell ourselves we can’t succeed.
 
Wrong!
 
You can succeed! All you need is a better action plan.  Staying motivated is partly the secret to reaching our goals.  No matter what our goals are or how detailed we make them, if we can’t find the motivation to take consistent action, success will be difficult. However, if we can stay motivated and push through the tough times, breaking those bad habits that hold us back, well, anything is possible.
 
Multiple research studies have shown that many entrepreneurs will average a 3 – 5% failure rate for every success.  But, they didn’t give up. They pushed through their weaknesses and eventually succeeded. That took motivation on their part. Without the same motivation, that they had, we get stuck in neutral, and then become filled with regret, anxiety and fear.
 
Below are some strategies that will help you to keep your motivation going so that you can achieve your goals. 

1. No Distractions
This seems obvious but most of us feel that having our cell phone nearby, the Internet or a tv/radio running in the room won’t cause a problem but that’s far from the case. Shut everything off!  There is no urgent need to check Twitter or Facebook for the latest happenings! If it’s on and nearby you will do that.   Keep it all off.
 
2. Find a new Location
Don’t work where familiar distractions will thwart your effort to work.  Go to a coffee shop, the library, the conference room at your work or a table at the park. By moving to a different location there is nothing handy for you to grab, read, or turn on as a way to escape your work. 

3. Don’t Procrastinate
This isn’t an easy one. People tend to put off what they don’t want to do.
 
Try the 15-minute rule.  Use your smartphone or smart watch (the one I told you earlier to keep off – ha!)  and set the timer for 15 minutes. Tell yourself that you’ll work at your task for those 15 minutes with no distractions. Then you can take a break.  In most cases, you will go beyond the 15 minutes and stay with what you are working on.  The most difficult part is getting started.
 
4. Break it down and make a To-Do list
Take your big project and cut in down into smaller chunks. Then put small to-do items on a list. When we look at the enormity of our project it can be overwhelming. So take a small portion of it and put it on a list to get done that day. Make sure it’s doable for that day.  Every small piece you get completed moves you closer to your goal.
 
5. Create a Weekly Action Plan
Schedule time in your appointment book to work on your project - just as you would schedule a meeting. Break your project down in small increments and plan time over the week to work on it.  If we don’t plan ahead we tend to whittle the day away by telling ourselves we’ll get to it later.  Pick a time, schedule it, and then attend your own meeting of getting your work done.  Know that the meeting time has an end and when you reach your ending time feel free to move away from your work area and go for a walk.  Remember, you have scheduled another meeting with yourself in a day or two, which you can get back to working on your goal.
 
6. Dispel your Fears
There are over 12,000 to 50,000 thoughts that run through our minds in a given day, according to The National Science Foundation. We’re unaware of most of those thoughts as they take place in the subconscious mind. But, a large portion of our thoughts is fear-based. What if this happens?  Or what if that happens? What will I do if this occurs? What if I lose my job?
 
We ask ourselves fear-based questions without even consciously being aware of it. For that reason, if we want to get and stay motivated, we have to dispel our fears.
 
Write down all of your fears and why you’re afraid of those things.  Then, create an excuse explaining why each of those reasons isn’t true.  Think about past experiences where you’ve pulled through or accomplished something you didn’t think was possible.  Focus on your successes of the past!  There’s real power to bringing the subconscious fears into the conscious and dispelling them.
 
7. Visualize your Future
Once you have your goals, you can get and stay motivated by visualizing your future. What will life be like when you achieve your goals? Where will you live? What will you do for work? What will you enjoy in your free time? What places will you travel to? Spend some time visualizing your future by writing out a detailed description of how life will be like when you achieve your long-term goals.
 
8. Find a Mentor 
A great way to avoid losing motivation is to find a mentor. Mentors can help us in so many ways. And while there’s no one specific way to find a mentor, you should certainly get out there and locate one that can help push you and inspire you to achieve your dreams.
 
Whether it’s a successful businessperson that you meet through a friend, or someone in your family, find someone who can help coach you along.
 
Keep in mind that success won’t be easy no matter what. It’s easy to lose motivation for anyone. But turning to a mentor can help to bring all that hard work you’re doing into perspective.
 
9. Channel the Little Engine That Could 
A person’s drive is often based on what she believes about her abilities, not on how objectively talented she is, according to research by Albert Bandura, a professor of psychology at Stanford University. His work has shown that people who have perceived self-efficacy (that is, the belief that they can accomplish what they set out to do) perform better than those who don’t.
 
“Self-efficacy beliefs provide the foundation for human motivation, well-being, and personal accomplishment. This is because unless people believe that their actions can produce the outcomes they desire, they have little incentive to act or to persevere in the face of difficulties. Much empirical evidence now supports Bandura’s contention that self-efficacy beliefs touch virtually every aspect of people’s lives—whether they think productively, self-debilitatingly, pessimistically or optimistically; how well they motivate themselves and persevere in the face of adversities; their vulnerability to stress and depression, and the life choices they make.” (Pajares, 2002)
 
10. Be Consistent 
It’s important to be consistent with your work, "take consistent action every single day." This means that even if you're totally not in the mood, do one small proactive thing that will move you towards your ultimate goal — even if it's just a Tweet.
 
Staying motivated is absolutely within your reach — it's often just about keeping your end goal in mind and breaking down the larger end result into manageable smaller steps. Remember — you can do it!




Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Tustin, CA.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com,  email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612. 

​I want to wish you all contentment, joy and peace this Christmas season and may your New Year be touched with wonder and filled with love.  
​~ Liz Birch, LMFT

Anxiety is an emotion characterized by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil, often accompanied by nervous behavior, such as pacing back and forth, physical symptoms such as butterflies in the stomach, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, ruminating about everything you are thinking about and more. It is those unpleasant feelings of dread over anticipated events.
 
Anxiety is not the same as fear, which is a response to a real or perceived immediate threat, Whereas anxiety is the expectation of future threat. Anxiety is a feeling of uneasiness and worry, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing. It is often accompanied by muscular tension, restlessness, fatigue and problems in concentration. Anxiety can be appropriate, but when experienced regularly the individual may suffer from an anxiety disorder.

What triggers anxiety? When felt appropriately, anxiety is beneficial and can keep you out of harm's way… the anxiety you may feel while hiking near a steep drop-off, for instance, will cause you to be more careful and purposeful in your movements. Or when the senses pick up a threat such as a loud noise, a scary sight, uneasiness about a future event or creepy feeling this information goes to our brain and the fight or flight response kicks in. Triggers are issues that make your anxiety worse or more prevalent.
 
Some common triggers are:

• A new job
• Sudden change in plans
• Going to new places
• Upcoming family events
• Low blood sugar
• Someone knocking on the front door
• Feeling a situation has no solution
• Too much stress and caffeine
• Meeting new people
• Negative thinking
• Not having a goal in life
• Trying to make too many people happy

So how do we relieve ourselves from all that anxiety?  If anxiety is severe, medication can help. But first try the suggestions below and use medication only as a last resort.

• Slow, deep breaths – not forced but breath slowly in, hold it a few seconds, and slowly release as you think about breathing out the tension.
• Use your senses to distract – Say 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell and 1 thing you taste. Don’t rush through this. Savor each thing you see, feel, hear, smell or taste.
• Help others – When we help others we feel good about ourselves. Pay for someone’s coffee or meal, babysit for free, or volunteer in the community.
• Limit your time on social media (especially near bedtime) – Studies show that social media raises anxiety and stress.
• Laugh – watch a funny movie or spend time with someone who makes you laugh. Laughter calms the body and mind and the extra oxygen you take in is helpful.
• Plan ahead – Plan meals and select clothes you will be wearing the day before. Make a list of things that need to get done all in advance – a to do list. This will help reduce last minute anxiety of rushing around.
• Tell yourself you’re okay – If you’re having a panic attack (or other symptom of anxiety) remind yourself that this has happened to you before, it’ll pass, and you’ll be okay.
• Use positive self-talk. When you suffer from anxiety, you probably hear a lot of negative talk in your head. Instead of listening to these thoughts, flip them around and try to use positive self-talk instead.
• Take a relaxing bath. Baths can sooth your mind and body. Light a few candles, add some lavender oil to the water, drink some tea, and read a book.
• Spend some time outside. Take a walk, sit outside and read, or just relax. Sunlight + fresh air + nature = very therapeutic.

Don't let anyone tell you that you have to "live with" anxiety. The above suggestions should bring you relief but if you feel your anxiety needs more attention don’t put off getting further assistance.  Sure, the going can get tough, but it becomes harder the longer you wait, put things off, and give in to it.  
 
Research shows that participating in therapy can bring significant relief. Your therapist can help you learn to focus on more positive thoughts, search for triggers that you keep getting stuck on and help you move through them and help you find specific goals which you can reach for.
 
You can feel better.  Don’t hesitate to reach out for support when needed. 


​
Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Tustin, CA.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She is also a Certified Hypnotherapist. She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com,  email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.

​The therapy process is a time and place for you to open up about your thoughts and feelings.  Especially the one’s you find the most difficult to talk about. It’s those stories from our past, the ones often forgotten, mostly by choice, that are having a profound impact on your life now.  But I know that sharing those stories from your past isn’t easy.  You’ve tucked them away for a reason.
 
When in therapy with me, I share that our past events, in part, shape who we are and it's important that we take a look at it. Many don't want to go there. But in order for us to understand what is happening now it’s important that the stories of your life experiences come to light.  It’s very scary, I know. But the process doesn’t have to be scary or intensely direct.   I often tell my clients, when they are having difficulty verbalizing their emotions or thoughts, to journal write.  It’s a very freeing, liberating and sometimes a scary experience that you can do where you are most comfortable – in your home, at the park, or wherever you choose.
 
Journal writing helps you move toward self-discovery. It will help you make sense of the chaos that may be surrounding you.  It’s helps resolve traumas that you may have experienced which is holding you back from your potential. And it’s a safe way of looking at the past, which can inspire you to move forward.
 
In journal writing you don’t need to be a seasoned writer. Just grab a pen, notepad, journal book, or your computer and be ready with an open mind.
 
Journal writing is a wonderful outlet for letting go of your bottled up emotions. If you are feeling sad, happy, excited or angry, write it down. Release what ever you are thinking and don’t worry about grammar. Sometimes you may find yourself just writing single words; sometimes it’s a sentence. You might be someone who draws pictures. Just let you mind focus on what you are feeling, don’t hold back, write it down.  I assure you the feeling is liberating and powerful.  If you find it’s bringing about upsetting feelings please bring that to your therapist. She/he can help you process the unsettling thoughts and bring you toward a place of acceptance.
 
One of the benefits of journal writing, since it captures all of your unfiltered reflections, is you will begin to understand who you are.  It will also help you see a solution and help you find healing. Journal writing will help you see who you are and changes you might want to make.
 
My suggestions for Journal Writing;

• Find a comfortable, clean, neat place free from distractions.  No tv!
• Remind yourself you’re going to not restrict your thoughts but instead relax and write freely whatever enters your mind.
• Maybe begin with what you did today and how you felt doing it.
• Who did you encounter today or whom did you encounter yesterday and how do you feel about them.
• Focus on the sky, clouds, sun, lack of sun, wind and/or stillness. Think back to years back, let your mind wander, and see if the weather reminds you of a time in the past.
• Let your emotional walls down and allow yourself to feel. If you begin to cry, it’s okay, let the tears flow.  You’ll feel better when you are done.
• If your writing brings about insight, focus on it. Take it in, maybe use a highlighter and highlight it.
• When writing, focus on what’s happening “inward”.  Focus on your internal experiences, reactions, and perceptions. When you write in a diary one tends to focus more “outward”.
• If you write while sitting in the park focus on how you are feeling being alone.  If you hear children playing, does that make you happy or bring back memories of an unsettling time. If so, write down as much as you can about your memories of that unsettling time.
• Don’t be critical of your writing, there are no rules, no one is judging, just write.
• Keep your writing journal in a private place.  This is just for you.  Although you might want to share portions of it with your therapist. 
• Speaking of sharing it with your therapist.  I have many clients who bring their journal writings into their session each week. They share areas that are enlightening or cause them concern. Together we decipher the meaning of the writings and work through it, moving toward resolution.

 
Journal writing has been used effectively for grief and loss; coping with life-threatening or chronic illness; recovery from addictions, eating disorders and trauma; repairing troubled marriages and family relationships; increasing communication skills; developing healthier self-esteem; getting a better perspective on life; and clarifying life goals.




Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com,  email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612. 
 

​I feel blessed and grateful with the many clients I work with. I cherish the moment when they begin to feel a sense of safety and trust and their most personal life begins to emerge.  But for most, it doesn’t begin at the first meeting or two. As they sit across from me I hear the basics of their family, their childhood, and their friends. I then hear about their co-workers, peers and neighbors.  I see the dance happen as they talk about everything except what they really want and need to share. I can feel their pain much before they realize it.
 
Many of my clients share they feel comfortable with me quickly but the more difficult part is getting the guts to bring it all up - the real story. Most fear if they dredge it all up it’ll never end. They fear they will cry and never be able to stop. They fear the ugly past will rear its head more vicious then before when all they want to do is forget about it. There are so many fears when one considers the choice to open up the past.  I understand that and I give my clients as much space as they need – to a point.
 
At the beginning of therapy with me I hone in on goals. What is it that you, the client, want to accomplish? Some say, “I’m tired of feeling sad all the time”, “I want my out-of-control anger to end”, “I just don’t feel right and not sure why”.  The reasons vary why people come to see me. But they walk in my door because they know they need to make a change.  They know they have a story to tell.  As I tell many of my clients, we all have a story.  Every single person we encounter has a story.  Please tell me yours.
 
The stories that many of us live with are often deeply ingrained in our unconscious.  We carry that unconscious past around daily, which creates anxiety, depression, resentment, prejudice, anger, hurt and much more. Our stories dictate how we view ourselves, how we view others, and how we perceive life in general. Even though life may seemingly be going well now, our life stories can weigh us down, keep us angry or sad, and prevent us from feeling joy, happiness, or even content.
 
It isn’t until we open up the past, talk about it, purge it, dig in deep and explore it that we begin to feel some freedom.  Living with our past stuck in our unconscious can be life draining.  Remaining in that place affects our daily decisions, how we judge others, why we hold on to resentment or jealousy.
 
In therapy, as you sit across from me, we can discuss your life story, the ugly past. I want you to share it all with me. It’s when we bring the unconscious to the conscious the freedom and change begins. Trust me when I say, you won’t cry forever and you won’t be stuck there by dredging it all up again.  Rather, it’s the dredging it all up again that can be freeing.
 
By default our brain likes to go to the negativity. So together we work on re-writing your story to shift that focus. What statements are you telling yourself? “My parents always told me I was a loser, therefore that must be true and I will never amount to much so why try?” “My uncle abused me so I will never be happy and will always feel depressed.” “I was blindsided at that business meeting, others judged me just as I’ve always been judged in the past.” “My spouse left me for another person therefore I should never trust anyone again.” Statements such as these all relate to your past and present.  Using small steady steps we can begin the process of change.
 
It might be time for you to make a change, make a move, confront the past and search ever so deep for some good that may have come out of it. Change is difficult. And re-writing or retelling your story toward better mental health is more complex than looking for the bright side of our past situations. That’s why we work on this together and recast “I’ll never forgive” or “I’m stuck with who I am,” into a new mold.
 
It’s probably difficult for you to imagine finding anything positive out of your past but it’s there.  Look at your options. You can stay with what you have, and you know how that makes you feel, or you can be open to looking at your life from a different lens. Maybe you can find many benefits from your experiences or maybe only a couple. But what’s important is that you grab any benefit there is from your life experiences and focus on it. When you look at life from a different perspective you will be surprised how much better and empowered you can feel.  So, are you ready to tell your story?



Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com,  email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.

Negative thinking - we all experience it.  But why can some people get past it quickly while others seem to hang on to it?
 
Much research has been done which seems to conclude that our negative thoughts and failures stick in our brains a lot longer than positive thoughts or successes. 
 
As example: if one group of individuals are told a business has a 30% failure rate they stick on the failure and fail to realize it must also have a 70% success rate. Another group is told a business has a 70% success rate and they immediately like the business and don’t focus on the reality that it also has a 30% failure rate.   But if that same group who once liked the business with the 70% success rate where then told that it must also have a 30% failure rate, they then shift to disliking the business.
 
As long as negative information isn’t interjected we can enjoy the positive. But the minute that negative thought comes in, there we go!
 
Our losses tend to stick.  Can people easily switch back and forth from negative thinking to positive thinking? Mostly No.  Studies have shown that only when we “work on it” can we make the shift.   Without work our thoughts go to the negative.  
 
How can that be corrected?  Basically we have to retrain our brain. When given a choice we have to learn to focus on the positive.  Yes, that means begin to look at that half filled glass as half full, not half empty. Recognize when we start to go to the negative mode and made a conscious shift.  Example, we complain about a friend who runs late when plans to meet are set up. We focus our thoughts on him/her being late, which cuts into the fun time. We say to ourselves they don’t care, which makes us feel angry and the negative thoughts keep spiraling.  But what if you could look past your friend who tends to run late and realize when they are with you they are fun, they’re a good listener, they do care, they call, they ask about you, etc.   You realize that this person is really a good person and you can look past them being late.  But you have to focus on looking at the good because for most people they initially settle on the negative.
 
Take a look at yourself.  Think over various situations in your daily life. How often do your thoughts immediately shift to the negative? I would guess more than you realize. And it’s those automatic negative thoughts that are turning others off and making your day a bit more difficult than it should be.
 
Some tips to stop your negative thinking

1. Recognize when those negative thoughts are happening and make a conscious effort to shift away from them. Tell yourself you need to stop the negative thinking.
2. Be grateful. Don’t just have hidden gratitude. Focus on it, say it, and write it down. Maybe you’re grateful for your friends, family, positive people in your life, you are employed, have housing, in a good relationship, have your health, or maybe grateful that you woke up to see another day.  Research shows that gratitude leads to better physical and emotional health. Really think about the good things.
3. Help someone else. Take the focus off of you and help others in need. It has been reported that people who complete five small acts of kindness daily toward others experience a significant boost in feeling more positive. Tell someone they look nice, or you love them, help them do something, praise them they did well, etc.
4. Look at and read positive quotes. They will absolutely change your mood for the better. “Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits, Watch your habits, they become your character. – author unknown”.
5. Don’t play the victim. We all have choices to either sit in the negativity or shift to move out of it. For some that shift is extremely difficult, for other it comes easy. But for those who have difficulty with it you have to “work at it”. You have to re-train your brain to look for the positive. Yes it may be work. Yes it’s easier for some just to sit in the negative but look what that’s doing to you and to those who are close to you. We all have a way out. It just needs to be the choice you take.
6. Let yourself move forward.  You made a mistake. You acted like a jerk. Accept it, learn from it and move on. Our brain will want to sit with it because that’s what it will immediately want to stay with.  But realize that’s what’s happening and make a conscious shift to learn from your mistake (I shouldn’t have been a jerk. I’m not going to treat that person that way again.) and move on.  Focus on being kinder to others the rest of the day.
7. Mindfulness and Meditation. Be aware of the here and now.  How many times do we drive some place and don’t remember the drive. Get off the autopilot and turn off the news that’s playing on the car radio.  Look at the trees, listen to the birds, notice the blue sky, the clouds, the mountains in the horizon, etc.   Also take time for some meditation. Find a comfortable spot at home, sit in silence, close your eyes and focus on your breath. Focusing on the present, avoids your mind racing forward to things that could happen.
8. Surround yourself with positive people and learn from them. They’re good for putting things into perspective. They’re good for modeling how you want and should be.  Let others go that are negative and bring you down.  If they have to remain in your life, limit your time with them.  Are you one of those negative people?  Do you find people avoiding you? Hmmm… take a look at yourself and make a choice to implement positive changes.

 
Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I hope you found it helpful.  Please make the choice to implement some of the tips I mentioned above. Only you can make a change! Happy positive thinking!
 
Ledgerwood, Allison, Getting Stuck in the Negatives – TedTalks - 2013

Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based  psychotherapy.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com,  email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.

​Anger is a natural, though sometimes unwanted or irrational, emotion that everybody experiences from time to time.  But sometimes we let this “anger” take over our lives. 
 
While anger is in place primarily as a way of surviving and protecting us, too much of it can lead to detrimental emotional and physical changes. It can cause havoc in our own daily lives and for those we are closest to.
 
Constant anger can lead to depression, eating disorders, alcoholism and self-injury along with high blood pressure, increased heart rate, and increased adrenaline.  Intense and constant anger can negatively affect your business relationships and especially your relationships with those you love the most.  It can make a person rude, unapproachable and just plain hard to live with.
 
Anger is a secondary emotion, which is caused by and hides a deeper emotion. If your friend is untruthful to others about something you have done, you may get angry when what you are really feeling is hurt or betrayed.  Anger is often caused by deep sadness and, most often of all; it’s caused by fear.  Next time you are angry, slow down and really think about what you are “feeling”.  Could you actually be feeling hurt, disappointed or are you fearful of something?
 
Any management of anger will require you to look at the deeper reasons for it.  Sometimes, these may be half-forgotten, avoided, denied or buried.  Often anger can be a need for control - of others, events or yourself. It is also often an existential issue caused by lack of meaning, loss, isolation or lack of freedom. If you address the deeper issues in counseling, you’ll begin to see certain triggers that present themselves which bring about your anger. Once these triggers are identified you can start to lower the amount of anger.
 
Resentment is a very corrosive, hidden and unpleasant form of anger.  It’s a mixture of jealousy, frustration, bitterness and harbored injustice.  It is a real joy killer. You simply cannot be happy if you have deep-seated resentments about someone close to you. It’s better to talk it over and see if you can reach a compromise.  Ask yourself if the resentment you feel towards the other is about what you lack rather than what they have and address that honestly and positively in your own life – asking them to help with it as much as they can.
 
If anger is taking over you and negatively affecting your daily life with those you love, or those you work with, please seek out a therapist so you can begin the process of healing.



Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military).
She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com,  email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.

Alexithymia is a clinical term for the inability to understand the intricacies of feelings and emotions. The existence and study of alexithymic experiences started in the 1970's. Some research suggests that alexithymia is more predominant in men than in women and is prevalent in approximately 10% of the general population. Alexithymia is also understood to have two components; a cognitive component where people might face challenges with thinking and emotions while trying to name, understand and talk about feelings, as well as an affective component where people might struggle with the experience of sharing, responding to and sensing emotions.
 
People who experience the effects of alexithymia might have these symptoms:
 
1. Difficulty identifying feelings
2. Difficulty distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations
3. A lack of impulse control
4. Violent or disruptive outbursts
5. Difficulty describing feelings to other people
6. Heightened sensitivity to sights, sounds, or physical touch
7.Limited imagination and, therefore, little or no fantasies and limited dreams
8. An unawareness of what is happening in their own mind and a very concrete way of thinking.
 
Alexithymia is known to be co-morbid with a number of psychiatric conditions. Therefore, when signs of Alexithymia are seen one might also look at depression, post traumatic stress disorder, brain injuries, substance abuse, and eating disorders, as it’s these diagnoses that one might harbor alexithymia.
 
But where does it come from?  How does one end up with this personality construct of marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment and interpersonal relating?  Some research has indicated that events happening in a person’s early childhood such as neglect or abuse but there are also cases of witnessing a horrifying event is known to trigger alexithymia.
 
If you, or someone you know, is displaying symptoms such as those described above please seek out the support of a licensed therapist.  Therapy will often concentrate on building a foundation of naming emotions and appreciating a range of feelings. The process will likely include both consideration of the experiences of other people and self-reflection. For people who have no problem with emotional comprehension this might sound very basic, however, for a person with alexithymia the process of growing their emotional intelligence and capacity may be difficult.
 
 

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Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy.  Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, personal growth, ptsd and provides support to the military population and their families. She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com,  email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.
 
Weiss, Thomas C. , Alexithymia: Information, Symptoms & Treatment Options, August 2012, Disabled World/heath/neurology/alexithymia