 The therapy process is a time and place for you to open up about your thoughts and feelings. Especially the one’s you find the most difficult to talk about. It’s those stories from our past, the ones often forgotten, mostly by choice, that are having a profound impact on your life now. But I know that sharing those stories from your past isn’t easy. You’ve tucked them away for a reason.
When in therapy with me, I share that our past events, in part, shape who we are and it's important that we take a look at it. Many don't want to go there. But in order for us to understand what is happening now it’s important that the stories of your life experiences come to light. It’s very scary, I know. But the process doesn’t have to be scary or intensely direct. I often tell my clients, when they are having difficulty verbalizing their emotions or thoughts, to journal write. It’s a very freeing, liberating and sometimes a scary experience that you can do where you are most comfortable – in your home, at the park, or wherever you choose. Journal writing helps you move toward self-discovery. It will help you make sense of the chaos that may be surrounding you. It’s helps resolve traumas that you may have experienced which is holding you back from your potential. And it’s a safe way of looking at the past, which can inspire you to move forward. In journal writing you don’t need to be a seasoned writer. Just grab a pen, notepad, journal book, or your computer and be ready with an open mind. Journal writing is a wonderful outlet for letting go of your bottled up emotions. If you are feeling sad, happy, excited or angry, write it down. Release what ever you are thinking and don’t worry about grammar. Sometimes you may find yourself just writing single words; sometimes it’s a sentence. You might be someone who draws pictures. Just let you mind focus on what you are feeling, don’t hold back, write it down. I assure you the feeling is liberating and powerful. If you find it’s bringing about upsetting feelings please bring that to your therapist. She/he can help you process the unsettling thoughts and bring you toward a place of acceptance. One of the benefits of journal writing, since it captures all of your unfiltered reflections, is you will begin to understand who you are. It will also help you see a solution and help you find healing. Journal writing will help you see who you are and changes you might want to make. My suggestions for Journal Writing;
Journal writing has been used effectively for grief and loss; coping with life-threatening or chronic illness; recovery from addictions, eating disorders and trauma; repairing troubled marriages and family relationships; increasing communication skills; developing healthier self-esteem; getting a better perspective on life; and clarifying life goals. Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com, email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.
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 I feel blessed and grateful with the many clients I work with. I cherish the moment when they begin to feel a sense of safety and trust and their most personal life begins to emerge. But for most, it doesn’t begin at the first meeting or two. As they sit across from me I hear the basics of their family, their childhood, and their friends. I then hear about their co-workers, peers and neighbors. I see the dance happen as they talk about everything except what they really want and need to share. I can feel their pain much before they realize it.
Many of my clients share they feel comfortable with me quickly but the more difficult part is getting the guts to bring it all up - the real story. Most fear if they dredge it all up it’ll never end. They fear they will cry and never be able to stop. They fear the ugly past will rear its head more vicious then before when all they want to do is forget about it. There are so many fears when one considers the choice to open up the past. I understand that and I give my clients as much space as they need – to a point. At the beginning of therapy with me I hone in on goals. What is it that you, the client, want to accomplish? Some say, “I’m tired of feeling sad all the time”, “I want my out-of-control anger to end”, “I just don’t feel right and not sure why”. The reasons vary why people come to see me. But they walk in my door because they know they need to make a change. They know they have a story to tell. As I tell many of my clients, we all have a story. Every single person we encounter has a story. Please tell me yours. The stories that many of us live with are often deeply ingrained in our unconscious. We carry that unconscious past around daily, which creates anxiety, depression, resentment, prejudice, anger, hurt and much more. Our stories dictate how we view ourselves, how we view others, and how we perceive life in general. Even though life may seemingly be going well now, our life stories can weigh us down, keep us angry or sad, and prevent us from feeling joy, happiness, or even content. It isn’t until we open up the past, talk about it, purge it, dig in deep and explore it that we begin to feel some freedom. Living with our past stuck in our unconscious can be life draining. Remaining in that place affects our daily decisions, how we judge others, why we hold on to resentment or jealousy. In therapy, as you sit across from me, we can discuss your life story, the ugly past. I want you to share it all with me. It’s when we bring the unconscious to the conscious the freedom and change begins. Trust me when I say, you won’t cry forever and you won’t be stuck there by dredging it all up again. Rather, it’s the dredging it all up again that can be freeing. By default our brain likes to go to the negativity. So together we work on re-writing your story to shift that focus. What statements are you telling yourself? “My parents always told me I was a loser, therefore that must be true and I will never amount to much so why try?” “My uncle abused me so I will never be happy and will always feel depressed.” “I was blindsided at that business meeting, others judged me just as I’ve always been judged in the past.” “My spouse left me for another person therefore I should never trust anyone again.” Statements such as these all relate to your past and present. Using small steady steps we can begin the process of change. It might be time for you to make a change, make a move, confront the past and search ever so deep for some good that may have come out of it. Change is difficult. And re-writing or retelling your story toward better mental health is more complex than looking for the bright side of our past situations. That’s why we work on this together and recast “I’ll never forgive” or “I’m stuck with who I am,” into a new mold. It’s probably difficult for you to imagine finding anything positive out of your past but it’s there. Look at your options. You can stay with what you have, and you know how that makes you feel, or you can be open to looking at your life from a different lens. Maybe you can find many benefits from your experiences or maybe only a couple. But what’s important is that you grab any benefit there is from your life experiences and focus on it. When you look at life from a different perspective you will be surprised how much better and empowered you can feel. So, are you ready to tell your story? Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com, email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.  Negative thinking - we all experience it. But why can some people get past it quickly while others seem to hang on to it?
Much research has been done which seems to conclude that our negative thoughts and failures stick in our brains a lot longer than positive thoughts or successes. As example: if one group of individuals are told a business has a 30% failure rate they stick on the failure and fail to realize it must also have a 70% success rate. Another group is told a business has a 70% success rate and they immediately like the business and don’t focus on the reality that it also has a 30% failure rate. But if that same group who once liked the business with the 70% success rate where then told that it must also have a 30% failure rate, they then shift to disliking the business. As long as negative information isn’t interjected we can enjoy the positive. But the minute that negative thought comes in, there we go! Our losses tend to stick. Can people easily switch back and forth from negative thinking to positive thinking? Mostly No. Studies have shown that only when we “work on it” can we make the shift. Without work our thoughts go to the negative. How can that be corrected? Basically we have to retrain our brain. When given a choice we have to learn to focus on the positive. Yes, that means begin to look at that half filled glass as half full, not half empty. Recognize when we start to go to the negative mode and made a conscious shift. Example, we complain about a friend who runs late when plans to meet are set up. We focus our thoughts on him/her being late, which cuts into the fun time. We say to ourselves they don’t care, which makes us feel angry and the negative thoughts keep spiraling. But what if you could look past your friend who tends to run late and realize when they are with you they are fun, they’re a good listener, they do care, they call, they ask about you, etc. You realize that this person is really a good person and you can look past them being late. But you have to focus on looking at the good because for most people they initially settle on the negative. Take a look at yourself. Think over various situations in your daily life. How often do your thoughts immediately shift to the negative? I would guess more than you realize. And it’s those automatic negative thoughts that are turning others off and making your day a bit more difficult than it should be. Some tips to stop your negative thinking
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you found it helpful. Please make the choice to implement some of the tips I mentioned above. Only you can make a change! Happy positive thinking! Ledgerwood, Allison, Getting Stuck in the Negatives – TedTalks - 2013 Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com, email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.  Anger Management Anger is a natural, though sometimes unwanted or irrational, emotion that everybody experiences from time to time. But sometimes we let this “anger” take over our lives.
While anger is in place primarily as a way of surviving and protecting us, too much of it can lead to detrimental emotional and physical changes. It can cause havoc in our own daily lives and for those we are closest to. Constant anger can lead to depression, eating disorders, alcoholism and self-injury along with high blood pressure, increased heart rate, and increased adrenaline. Intense and constant anger can negatively affect your business relationships and especially your relationships with those you love the most. It can make a person rude, unapproachable and just plain hard to live with. Anger is a secondary emotion, which is caused by and hides a deeper emotion. If your friend is untruthful to others about something you have done, you may get angry when what you are really feeling is hurt or betrayed. Anger is often caused by deep sadness and, most often of all; it’s caused by fear. Next time you are angry, slow down and really think about what you are “feeling”. Could you actually be feeling hurt, disappointed or are you fearful of something? Any management of anger will require you to look at the deeper reasons for it. Sometimes, these may be half-forgotten, avoided, denied or buried. Often anger can be a need for control - of others, events or yourself. It is also often an existential issue caused by lack of meaning, loss, isolation or lack of freedom. If you address the deeper issues in counseling, you’ll begin to see certain triggers that present themselves which bring about your anger. Once these triggers are identified you can start to lower the amount of anger. Resentment is a very corrosive, hidden and unpleasant form of anger. It’s a mixture of jealousy, frustration, bitterness and harbored injustice. It is a real joy killer. You simply cannot be happy if you have deep-seated resentments about someone close to you. It’s better to talk it over and see if you can reach a compromise. Ask yourself if the resentment you feel towards the other is about what you lack rather than what they have and address that honestly and positively in your own life – asking them to help with it as much as they can. If anger is taking over you and negatively affecting your daily life with those you love, or those you work with, please seek out a therapist so you can begin the process of healing. Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, anxiety, anger, personal growth, and ptsd (civilian and military). She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com, email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.  Alexithymia is a clinical term for the inability to understand the intricacies of feelings and emotions. The existence and study of alexithymic experiences started in the 1970's. Some research suggests that alexithymia is more predominant in men than in women and is prevalent in approximately 10% of the general population. Alexithymia is also understood to have two components; a cognitive component where people might face challenges with thinking and emotions while trying to name, understand and talk about feelings, as well as an affective component where people might struggle with the experience of sharing, responding to and sensing emotions.
People who experience the effects of alexithymia might have these symptoms: 1. Difficulty identifying feelings 2. Difficulty distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations 3. A lack of impulse control 4. Violent or disruptive outbursts 5. Difficulty describing feelings to other people 6. Heightened sensitivity to sights, sounds, or physical touch 7.Limited imagination and, therefore, little or no fantasies and limited dreams 8. An unawareness of what is happening in their own mind and a very concrete way of thinking. Alexithymia is known to be co-morbid with a number of psychiatric conditions. Therefore, when signs of Alexithymia are seen one might also look at depression, post traumatic stress disorder, brain injuries, substance abuse, and eating disorders, as it’s these diagnoses that one might harbor alexithymia. But where does it come from? How does one end up with this personality construct of marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment and interpersonal relating? Some research has indicated that events happening in a person’s early childhood such as neglect or abuse but there are also cases of witnessing a horrifying event is known to trigger alexithymia. If you, or someone you know, is displaying symptoms such as those described above please seek out the support of a licensed therapist. Therapy will often concentrate on building a foundation of naming emotions and appreciating a range of feelings. The process will likely include both consideration of the experiences of other people and self-reflection. For people who have no problem with emotional comprehension this might sound very basic, however, for a person with alexithymia the process of growing their emotional intelligence and capacity may be difficult. Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, personal growth, ptsd and provides support to the military population and their families. She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com, email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612. Weiss, Thomas C. , Alexithymia: Information, Symptoms & Treatment Options, August 2012, Disabled World/heath/neurology/alexithymia  With autumn comes change . . . cooler mornings, leaves turning beautiful reds and oranges. . . and shorter days are a few of the most notable to mention.
But while the seasons change with ease, most people struggle with change. Even though one might see the need and/or importance to change behaviors why do some struggle with it? Why is there resistance? Resistance is part of the human condition. One might see all the positives of what lies ahead. Many want to get to that end point. Most want to do the right thing but very few want to do the work it takes to get there. That’s the hard part. People say they want to feel better but struggle with the unsettling feelings that may occur on the way. We all like routine and a sure thing. Even though that "sure thing" may not be good, and in fact damaging, it’s comfortable. When a person begins in therapy they vow to make improvements. They describe the person they want to be, they share their story and open up their heart. I feel blessed to be with each of my clients and for them to allow me to hear their story. Together we discuss the past, the present and share insight. But insight alone won’t create change. The work begins when actions change and that’s the scary part. When I begin to focus on actions with a client that ugly resistance shows up. I explain that resistance is there to tell us to watch our step, this is something new. But at some point we need to move beyond that resistance and incorporate change. The more we practice the changed behavior the more comfortable it will feel. As the therapist, I know how scary change can be and I also know how comfortable the resistance is. My hope is my client will learn that I am there for them. I will help push them, encourage them and praise them for those difficult days of getting through change. When they begin to learn that they will be okay the resistance slowly subsides. To help keep that resistance at bay, they will build a support system outside of therapy that will follow through with the encouragement, praise and acceptance. Because, when someone feels loved and accepted by others they begin to see themselves as a kind and loving person. When a person begins to feel better about themselves that’s when the magic of change happens. And that resistance that always wanted to hang around continues to dissipate. For anyone reading this that has been struggling with change let me encourage you to follow through with your hopes and dreams. Don’t feel like you need to go it alone. Surround yourself with people who are supportive and encouraging. Seek out a therapist if you need help beginning. You’d be amazed what you have the power to do! Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, personal growth, ptsd and provides support to the military population and their families. She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com, email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.  Why is it that we can have our goals all in place, we know where we want to be and on our way to reaching it, we put an end to it? Why do we procrastinate on projects? How many of us have worked very hard on healthy eating, almost reaching our goal, then we decide at the last minute it’s not really important? Your relationship is going great then you say or do something very hurtful. Does any of this sound familiar? These types of behaviors and thoughts are driven by our inner critic, which we all have.
Our inner critics aren’t nice. They create doubt, tell us we aren’t worthy, are far from positive, undermine our goals and desires and create suspicions of those we love the most. Where do these behaviors come from? What happens to create this inner critic? Some people have no problems. They had very supportive parents and their inner critics are minimal at best. Life goes on for them. But for some, if they look back at their early childhood they would probably see patterns from their parents or important caregivers, which lacked support. Without realizing, they tend to internalize attitudes, which were directed toward them by their parents or people important to them at the time. If their parents saw them as lazy and frequently shared that opinion of them, they may grow up feeling worthless. They then begin to tell themselves, “why try, I will never be successful at it.” This is self-sabotaging behavior. If we grew up with a self-hating parent, who often viewed themselves as weak or a failure, we may grow up with similar self-sabotaging attitudes toward ourselves. For instance, if our parent felt critical of their appearance, we may take on similar insecurities without realizing it. We may feel easily self-conscious and less sure of ourselves in social or public situations. As we go through life we begin to internalize these attitudes and remain stuck with our thinking that we aren’t capable of any type of success. We can’t change the past but once we review our past and realize what has damaged us we can consciously choose to act against them. We can prove our thoughts as wrong. But when we listen to our inner critic and remain there we will continue to cast doubt on ourselves and struggle with success. How to Stop Engaging in Self-Sabotaging Behavior Once we recognize our inner critic and see how it was created we can work on ignoring it and pushing against it. It will be an uncomfortable process because it’s been ingrained in us for a long time. But we must push through it. If we are uncomfortable in public, because in the past we’ve been told we don’t matter, we need to begin pushing ourselves to be more open to participate with others. In the book The Self under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiation, co-authored by Dr. Robert Firestone, Dr. Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett, four steps involved in separating (differentiation) is described. 1. Step one involves separating from the destructive attitudes (critical inner voices) we internalized based on painful early life experiences. 2. The second step requires us to separate from the negative traits in our parents or influential caretakers that we’ve taken on as our own. 3. The third step involves challenging the destructive defenses or adaptations we made to the pain we experienced growing up. These adaptations may have helped us in childhood but, very often, hurt us as adults. For instance, if we were used to being let down or rejected as children, we may have formed a defense that shuts us off from wanting or expecting much from others. Though this lowering our expectations may seemed to help cushion us from getting hurt as kids, this same defense can keep us from trusting or getting close to someone as adults. 4. The fourth and final step of differentiation asks us to develop our very own sense of our unique values, ideals and beliefs. Once we have separated from the negative overlays from our past, we can uncover who we really are. We can stop self-sabotaging behaviors and choose the person we want to be. Ending self-sabotaging behavior can be a difficult process. If you need assistance and are looking for support during this process you should work with a licensed therapist. Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Tustin, CA. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, personal growth, ptsd and provides support to the military population and their families. She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com, email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.  1. Try Progressive Relaxation All the way from fingers to toes - tense and then release each muscle group in the body (lower arm, upper arm, chest, back and abdominals, etc.). Once the body is relaxed, the mind will be soon to follow! 2. Breathe Deep Taking a deep breath has been shown to lower cortisol levels, which can help reduce stress and anxiety. Studies suggest deep breathing can also cause a temporary drop in blood pressure. 3. Spark Some Scents Studies suggest aromatherapy can be a good way to relieve stress. Give Lavender a try! Scientific evidence suggests that aromatherapy with lavender may slow the activity of the nervous system, improve sleep quality, promote relaxation, and lift mood in people suffering from sleep disorders. 4. Laugh It Off Laughter can reduce the physical effects of stress (like fatigue) on the body. Look for a laughter workshop in your area. They are out there! 5. Drink Tea One study found that drinking black tea leads to lower post-stress cortisol levels and greater feelings of relaxation. 6. Exercise That post-exercise endorphin rush is one way to sharply cut stress. Endorphins are often classified to be the happy hormones. Any form of physical activity leads to the release of these feel good neurotransmitters. The increase in endorphins in your body leads to a feeling of euphoria, modulation of appetite, the release of different sex hormones and an enhancement of immune response. This helps combat the negative effects of stress. 7. Listen To Music Research points to multiple ways in which music can help relieve stress, from triggering biochemical stress reducers to assisting in treating stress associated with medical procedures. According to a group of fancy Oxford University scientists, listening to the third movement of Beethoven's No. 9 might actually lower your blood pressure and help fight heart disease. In real life. Isn’t this surprising?? "Professor Sleight explained some composers, including Verdi, seemed to have managed to mirror the natural rise and fall of blood pressure in the human body. Verdi may well have been a physiologist,' he said, 'he hit on this ten-second rhythm in blood pressure and you can see it in his music.'" — Elizabeth Davis, Classic FM
Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based psychotherapy. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, ptsd and provides support to the military population and their families. She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com, email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612.  When in a relationship it's important that you make it your top priority. Below are some tips to help make it last. However, if you find that you're stuck, things aren't flowing like you thought they would or you're looking for assistance keeping the love alive you may want to contact a therapist. They can help you get it back on track. In the meantime, enjoy the tips below - they aren't too hard to follow and some are even fun! 1. Talk about great times from the past. Focus on the fun times and show appreciation for what brought you together in the first place. Talk about the romantic dinners, walks on the beach, your first kiss. It’s a great reminder of your love and a wonderful ego boost for you both. Don’t focus on the fact you may not doing that much anymore but shift it to the positive memories and the fun, acceptance and love you felt. Having a positive conversation like this will bring those fun memories to the forefront and increase the likelihood you incorporate those good times again.
2. Touch often. The power of touch is extremely important! Those little touches are a very powerful way to stay connected. As you pass each other touch a shoulder, hold hands, touch a cheek when kissing. When sitting on the couch together watching tv, softly rub his/her arm or leg. Give each other hugs! As relationships age the touching tends to decline. When was the last time you touched your partner? It’s amazing how soothing, calming and closeness a touch can bring. And … touching releases a powerful sex hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin causes a bonding feeling. It takes very little touching for the oxytocin to kick in… so please keep touching. 3. Be a good listener. Sometimes we just need to be heard. We don’t want a solution or a lot of talk in return. Venting is good! Let your partner vent, let them know you hear them, give them hugs or hold their hand when venting (there’s that touch). Your partner may not know if you want advice or just to be heard so communicate that. When we love someone we want to try to fix things. So communicate you just need to vent .. then .. your partner knows to be a good listener. 4. Communication! Talk to each other. Let each other know your wants. Ask your partner, “What do you need more of?” Then the key is, when they tell you, follow through on their answer. They might respond with “I need more alone time with you” or “I miss kissing you like we used to”. When you make your needs known resentment and anger doesn’t build because it's all out in the open. So talk, talk, talk. Get the conversation going. Once it’s been shared you can easily fulfill the request or talk about a compromise. 5. Accept that you each are going to have bad days. We all can’t be perfect every day. Your partner may snap at something you find ridiculous. Chances are it isn’t about that little thing that he/she’s snapping about but rather a bigger issue of something that occurred earlier. Like an argument with a friend or colleague. So before you jump back with a terse response, remain calm and listen (remember “be a good listener”). Try and understand your partner may just be having a bad day. Be a little sympathetic. When you practice this it will become more natural when it’s you having the bad day and your partner will see how nice it was that you remained calm. 6. Have fun! Every day life can be stressful. We are filled with bad news on the radio/tv, there’s financial problems, you hear of friends not getting along. All of this can pull a person down. Instead of focusing on the bad, take time to play! Grab a glass of wine and play a board game, play cards, plan a date of miniature golf. Get out the rut. Laugh! Giggle! Tickle! Be spontaneous! Remind each other how fun you both can be. 7. Be financially responsible. Money is one of the biggest relationship stressors, especially when times are tough. You both need to know the bills are getting paid which brings a feeling of security. Watch the unnecessary spending. What tends to work well is having a joint account for bills and necessities but also create a separate account for each of you. You don’t have to put a lot in the separate account if you don’t have much coming in, but, it creates a play account where you don’t have to ask permission to spend. Have a conversation on what amount will work for you both. It can be as little as $20/month. Trust me, it adds up over time. You each put the same amount in each of your accounts. Save it over time and then when you need a special item you can buy it. No hard feelings because it’s already been worked in the budget. 8. Give each other alone time with their friends. Sometimes events come up that might be just a guys or girls night out. Maybe the guys want to get together to watch a sporting event or the girls want to have lunch together. It’s okay! Don’t make each other feel guilty for wanting to spend time with their friends. Maintaining separate social lives and being supportive of each other boosts a relationship. 9. Fight Fairly. Don’t use words like “always” or “never” when arguing, such as, “You never let me do what I want!”. That distracts from the issue at hand. Remind each other that you need to stay focused on finding a solution. You each may say something that you don’t really mean but don’t realize it until the argument winds down. Know that it’s okay to say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t really mean that”. Accept the apology and refocus on the solution which may involve a compromise. 10. Drop old issues. We all have “stuff” from our past. Maybe with old friends, dating times and/or family. Don’t bring up old issues to use in a new argument. Avoid the hot topics if you’ve already discussed them. Hopefully these have all already been worked through. If either of you are having a hard time of letting go and the past keeps coming up you may need the help of a therapist. Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides services in her office in Orange, CA but also has options for home-based and online psychotherapy. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, marriage strengthening, stress reduction, depression, trauma, ptsd and provides support to the military population and their families. She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com, email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com, or by calling 714-614-0612. *Photo via foter.com  You had an amazing passionate relationship with your spouse. Sex was beautiful, often, and intense. It was a safe place. It was when you felt the most intimate and close that you can feel with anyone. You both had thoughtful, deep and ultimately the best conversations. You embraced the closeness you both felt in those moments after.… when you are coming down from the highest of highs. Those moments of laying together are etched in your memory.
I hope each military couple out there still has the same intensity as when they first met, were dating, or after their marriage. Don’t we all wish that passion was still there? I’m guessing for most military couples who have endured multiple deployments that is not the case. The spouse who has been waiting and taking care of the home and children has been anticipating their veteran’s return. The void of sex is almost painful. But she/he knows when their partner finally arrives it will be filled with that passion and intimacy that they have longed for over the past several months. Unfortunately, in most cases that is not the reality. I work with many veterans and military families and I hear a lot of the same story. Sex is not the same. They want the passion. They want it all to be just as it was before and when it’s not the frustration begins, for both. Each time they try and that fulfillment isn’t there both partners feel a sense of loss. They both work so hard at getting it back. The incentive is there but the same feelings aren’t occurring. The returning veteran is feeling the effects of war - some of which are probably nightmares, startle responses, paranoia, fear, being on edge, depression and anger. Some veterans have physical effects such as burns, scars and loss of limbs. Each veteran has their own set of emotional and physical changes due to combat. Any one of those can have a profound affect of the sexual relationship. For the partner who’s been at home waiting for these passionate moments please try to understand what your veteran has been through and the symptoms of PTSD, TBI, and what just plain war creates. For the veteran, please try not to be disappointed in yourself. Let me assure you, you are not the only veteran experiencing this. You may not be sharing your sex life, or lack of it, with your buddies but I know the same frustrations are occurring in most. Let me offer some suggestions;
Combat takes a toll on all relationships. I hope the above guidelines and suggestions are helpful. Please try to understand you are not alone, either partner, in the struggle to rekindle your sexual relationship. It is not a sign of weakness to seek out help and support but rather a sign of strength in wanting to work on improving your relationship. I commend you for all you have given and wish you peace. Liz Birch is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who provides home-based and online psychotherapy. Her areas of expertise are in communications, relationships, stress reduction, depression, trauma and provides support to the military population and their families. She can be reached via LizBirchTherapist.com and email at LizBirchMFT@gmail.com |
Liz BirchI'm a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who works with individuals, couples and families. I hope I inspire you to take risks and step out of your comfort zone. You might be surprised what you discover.
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