The Teenage Years ~ How Can Parents Connect Better

The teenage years are the most difficult years for almost all parents. During the adolescent years (13 - 19 yrs) our teens are now concerned with how they appear to others.  Their own ego identity is in full swing as they are trying to determine who they are and who will they become.  They are moving from childhood and maturing into adulthood. Now they are back in school and being confronted with peer pressure, wanting to be “cool” and also learning responsibility. Moving from childhood into adolescence is a big shift, which for a good portion of teens, isn’t a smooth transition.

Adolescents "are confronted by the need to re-establish [boundaries] for themselves and to do this in the face of an often potentially hostile world."1.    This is often challenging since commitments are being asked for before particular identity roles have formed. At this point, one is in a state of 'identity confusion'.   As you see your teenager being rebellious, acting out, not following rules, etc. you as parents become frustrated, angry and unsure why the relationship seems so tumultuous.  

One reason for the conflict is that us, as parents, want to continue to be the leaders of our teenager’s life. While we should be there to guide and protect, we also need to let our teenagers forage out and begin making their own decisions.  They will probably make mistakes, but that is how they will learn decision making. It’s hard for us to watch this happen but as long as you are there to help them, when they need it, you will probably have a better outcome.

Roughly only 22% of high school seniors describe their family communication as positive. Therefore, one area in which parents can help teenagers through this stage is to work on better communications with them.  The earlier you begin this process in adolescence the better.  Below are some tips that you may find helpful.

• Ask your teen to teach you something.  Teens want to be more mature. What could be more grown-up than teaching your parents something? You'd be surprised how much your teen knows that you don't know. Sure, much of it relates to electronics or social media. But she's likely to be learning things at school. Find out if there is something new she learned and ask her to tell you about it.   Even if, when telling you, it may not be accurate, don’t interrupt or correct. Listen. Listen Listen.   Then thank her.
  

• Bite your tongue. Your teen isn't perfect. He or she will make a lot of mistakes. But the more you comment on them, the more your teen feels like you don't love them, even if you say you do. Sometimes you do have to make suggestions. But if you can possibly say nothing, then say nothing.
  

• Don’t blow up. Keep the door of communication open. Do not blow up or tell her she is doing something wrong every time she confides in you. Absolutely do not do any name calling.  That is extremely hurtful and leaves her feeling worthless and crushes her self-esteem.  That will shut off any communication.
  

• No nagging. Do not nag her when she messes up. Ask her if she needs help and encourage her.

• Undivided Attention. Give her your undivided attention. Let her know you care about what is going on in her life.  Don’t be working on your own project and only half listen to her and give short responses back.  Actually sit down, look at her, and listen without interruption.  Wait until she finishes then respond respectfully. She is learning how to communicate from you.  Be respectful to her and she will learn respect will get her much farther in life.
  

• Walking on Eggshells.    If you feel like you are walking on eggshells around her you probably are.  You fear of saying the wrong thing for fear of another outburst.  That’s true.  But, as you learn better communication skills those “eggshells” will slowly go away.
  

• Remind them how special they are. You don’t need to shower your teen in compliments but occasionally reminding them how proud you are of their unique personality will always bolster their self-esteem. Avoid only praising big accomplishments, take notice of when they’re working really hard on something even if they’re struggling and commend their effort and perseverance.
  

• Let them have their freedom. Unless you have a real reason, there is no need to helicopter parent your teen. In fact, making your own mistakes is a huge part of growing up. I’m certainly not suggesting letting your teen sneak into bars, but it’s a normal part of teenage life for them to go to a party or on a date. Worried? First, calm yourself. Then, tell your teen that you know you are over-worried, but you need a little reassurance from them. Sit down and ask some questions about their plans, to be sure your concerns are met. (“Will there be adult supervision?  What will you do if other kids are drinking or smoking marijuana?  What will you do if you feel like you’re in over your head and you want me to pick you up, no punishment no matter what?”) Expect her to be responsible. Show her respect (I think I’ve said this one a few times. It’s very important.)
  

• Unconditional Love. There’s plenty you can do to build a healthy and trusting relationship with your teen but every person’s journey is different. You can’t plan your teen’s life for them but supporting them unconditionally no matter the mistakes they make should be your number one goal as a parent. You want her to come to you when she needs you. She needs to know that even though she’s realized she made a mistake she needs to know you will listen, not condemn, and help to correct the error in judgement.
  

• Don’t compare them to their siblings/cousins/friends.  This is a sure way to alienate and frustrate your teen. Teens want to feel like individuals with special and unique qualities that you recognize and appreciate regardless of how good their brother is at basketball or the perfect grades their best friend gets.
  

• Show compassion with how oppressive homework can feel. It makes it a little easier if someone at least appreciates that they worked at school all day and now they have to work all evening on homework. Ask if they need help. Offer to help edit your teen’s essay or review their math homework. And bringing tea or a snack will melt your teen's heart.  Don’t say, “Well you have to do it, so sit down and get it done!”
  

• LISTEN. Pay close attention to what your teen says. Teenagers often communicate much more than what they may seem to be saying on the surface. Read between the lines and pay attention to tone and body language.
  

Listed above are suggestions to get you started on better communication with your teen.  I understand that you may not switch over to all of these suggestion immediately, as many of these are new to you.  But if you make a concerted effort to get these incorporated in your daily routine you can count on a much better relationship with you and your teen.


1. Stevens, Richard (1983). Erik Erickson: An Introduction. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press. pp 48-50. ISBN 978-0-312-2581-2

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